Eddie Cibrian makes me want to vomit. I wish I could be all in lust with him. Wish my panties could fly away at the sight of his self satisfied smirk but he tends to dry me up faster than salt on a snail.

As I'm pretty sure I'm alone in the vulva shrinkage at the sight of the dude I've include a screenshot of him looking almost handsome for those of you who like him.

So Maura being in lust with him after grabbing his undead junk was a little funny (largely–heh–because of Jane’s horror over his erection) but mainly just eeeeew. Also woooow the show went there. Usually taking pulse via penis is taboo on television. I am delighted by the brazenness of it but the prude in me is all sour face.

Jane don't look so shocked. I'm pretty sure this scene broke boundaries.

But really, how overt was this? Maura meets the dude, grabs his junk and then the next thing you know they’re doing naked sculpting together. We get it SHE’S STRAIGHT. I love to talk about her unplatonic love for Jane as much as the next person because the show courts it, at least one of the actresses courts it and they are totes in hetero life mate with each other but dang guys, when you’re shipping Eddie Cibrian into your show to reinforce the sexuality of one of your leads it’s a little “doth protest too much” you know? (And on another day we should probably talk about how shows like this and Sherlock don’t actually help the queer community as much as they make things worse and it’s really been TEN YEARS since Xena so maybe we should stop making our gaymos so straight for the precious 90%?)

The actual plot of the episode was related to veterans suffering from mental illness and engaging in street art. Yeah. It was a mishmash of HuffPost articles contorted and transformed into a story. All valid stories of course. The Banksy street art angle was fun and a great way to give motivation to the murderer (he was stealing a homeless man’s street art). The veteran angle was also great for being informative, but it often felt way too Afternoon Special-like with the recitation of facts and the long bout of watching a guy’s virtual reality rehabilitation at the veteran’s center.

But it brought back that British-American dude that Jane banged that one time last season and that’s okay. If any dude is going to horn in on the Rizziles parade I’d rather it be that dude. He’s got a great energy that’s completely at odds with everything else on the show (he seems likes he hates everyone?) and the actor is pretty dang fantastic all of the time and did you see Jane’s face when she saw him back from overseas and just chilling all quietly at his desk? She was gut punched!

The revelation that he was injured overseas and in some heavy duty leg braces wasn’t a super revelation (it was telegraphed from the get go) but it was nice one and has more potential than any other romantic storyline they’ve thrust upon us in the three seasons of the show.

Let’s face it. We’re not going to get Rizziles smooches anytime soon. We want them to. They’re so close. And they care so much! And oh goodness the sexual tension. You could make smores off their smoldering gazes.

But I’m also okay with them just being hetero lifemates that put one another before the dudes they meet? These women gleefully talk about their vibrators without mocking on another or being uncomfortable. The first time me and my bestie discussed vibrators was like a month ago and we were both tanked on some insanely righteous margaritas. They also have good relationships with each others’ families. They can support each other in romantic engagements without a hint of jealousy.

ALSO THEY FIGHT CRIME.

And discuss getting wasted on canned frosting, graham crackers and boxes of Shiraz. Bitches be CLASSY.

That’s the best. Do I still long for the golden age that was the first two episodes of the season? Yes. Their fight with each other was some terrifically compelling stuff and far more interesting then Eddie Cibrian’s junk or Jane and Maura staring at some ridiculously expensive sculpture just chilling in the middle of the police station (why did Maura have it installed there? Does she own the police station? What is going on? I don’t even..).

The only real enjoyment I got from this episode was this gif.

Notes

  • Rondo was back! He’s no Bubbles, but I love that he has this back history as the tunemaker for Jane’s conception.
  • So Jane’s brother will never be detective. But he did get to bust some Maura balls and take her down a beg or too.
  • There was a lot of obsession with phalluses this episode. I love it.
  • Probably because I am five.
  • Catherine

    I agree with you about the army man – of all the guys in the show, I like him the most. I also liked the Ian guy. But really only because of how Maura reacted to him when he first showed up. That was very sexy. But everything (except the scene in the morgue) about Eddie Cibrian’s character was very eww.