Khloe Kardashian Isn’t OJ’s Kid and Robert Pattinson I Could Take or Leave

Idris was going to direct.

1. This morning, I woke up to a very strange phone call. It was my lawyer (which was suuuper weird because I am 99% sure I have no one like, on retainer?) letting me know that OJ Simpson had altered his will to include me on the off-chance that I am his daughter. Oh wait, by me I meant Khloe Kardashian – the best of the Kardashians*. Girl, do not let those haters keep you down, and by haters I mean the media not OJ Simpson who I would never speak ill of because he is violent – ALLEGEDLY. Damn, I should have gone to law school. [Limelife]
2. Don’t panic guys - Kristen Stewart will not be doomed to spinsterhood for being a lady who made a mistake – because The Pale Guy** she smooched around on has agreed to take her back after her dad made him. ROMANCE. [Entertainment]
3. My dad and I were having lunch on Saturday and he thought he saw Jerry Springer and I was like “Dad. Why the hell would Jerry Springer be here?” but that didn’t dissuade him and he went on and on about how Jamestown Rhode Island is a frequent celebrity get-away spot and I drank all of the diet cokes that there were. Eventually it was decided that the guy was too short to have been Jerry Springer and probably if he had been Jerry Springer he would have had an entourage.***[My Life]

* – I reeeeally want Khloe Kardashian to star in a buddy comedy with Gwyneth Paltrow. THINK ABOUT IT.

**-THAT WAS A JOKE ABOUT ROBERT PATTINSON BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOU CAN DO BETTER.

***- Apparently, in my father’s mind, Jerry Springer rolls 30 deep and cannot be fucked with. Good to know.