The Mob Doctor Tackles Hymens And Cliches In A Low Rated Pilot

I recently told my sister that because I’ve been doing so much research for a project and because I’ve seen so much er and Grey’s Anatomy I could definitely do surgery.

She said nothing but her eyes said “please never try to prove this theory on my body.”

Whatever sister of mine because I was watching this pilot for Mob Doctor and between those aforementioned experiences and that one video about hymens I was like an EXPERT on all the terrible medicine on this show.

And there is so much terrible medicine. Apparently the average hymen isn’t like a fleshy and not so fashionable wrap for the vagina but like an internal Gandalf shouting YOU SHALL NOT PASS to any oncoming sperm.

And we know this because there’s this pregnant virgin and she’s all I’M A VIRGIN I CAN’T BE PREGNANT. And I immediately was like “well that’s why you wash your hands between hand jobs on dudes and yourself.” But Dr. Matt Saracen was all “INTRIGUING.” And then he and MOB DOCTOR explained to the girl that she had a rare hymen that allowed stuff in.

THAT IS ALL HYMENS GUYS. The rare ones are the Gandalf hymens and NOT the flesh wrap ones.

But yeah so the girl is preggers because she didn’t wash her hands or he just like unloaded all over her lower half (and if it is the latter than girlfriend you REALLY shouldn’t be surprised. Virginity is not an internalized dental dam but a sociological concept). Because of this her dad will be PISSED because she’s fourteen (valid) and she will lose a cool scholarship if they find out her eggs have EVER been fertilized (less valid). So MOB DOCTOR convinces her boyfriend Dr. Matt Saracen to lie to the dad and say that the surgery to remove the no viable fetus was actually a surgery to remove a cyst.

And I mean, okay. I guess that’s an okay story. It’s better than the one about a boy dying from a heparin allergy that could have been prevented if a doctor wasn’t a jackass. MOB DOCTOR is a good person and turns him in and they basically tell him to do better. If she really wanted to be a good person she should have told the grieving mom so she could sue his ass into oblivion. Half-assed attempts at goodness do not please me MOB DOCTOR.

But I won’t fault her because guys she’s not just DOCTOR and this isn’t Grey’s or my much-anticipated Emily Owens MD or even The Mindy Project. This is motherfucking MOB DOCTOR and she got NO TIME for doctoring shit when there is MOBBING going down.

She’s got to pull objects out of a guy’s head in the back room of a vet’s office and she’s got to be engaged in car chases and she’s got to have a weird and best part of the show father/daughter relationship with retired mobster William Forsythe.

That’s a cool idea. I confess to coming up with a similar one in 1998. Only in addition to being beholden to the mob and being a doctor she was also Dana Scully and Immortal with a capital I Highlander style. I wore orange Doc Martins, a snake skin cowboy hat and no one invited me to parties.

But that idea man! A doctor involved with the mob? A LADY doctor who is caught in a morally gray labyrinth of medically related crimes and gets to lie to everyone she loves until sweeps when mobster gunmen come to the hospital and she turns into a BAMF? That is really really awesome. I am down for watching such a show.

Unfortunately this show actually appears to have been written by me circa 1998 and as established that was neither a fashionable time for me or a time in which I produced quality material.

I don’t want to write this show off quite yet. She has at least one lesbionic nurse friend of color and a rival who could be awesome in her own right and a mother that looks like Sasha Alexander and Željko Ivanek for a work mentor and other great actors around her and the title is hilarious and easy to remember and the concept could be cool even if it sounds like a half-hour Showtime dramedy.

It’s just…yeah a painfully campy pilot that works best three margaritas in. And unfortunately FOX may write it off soon. Besides being a pretty terrible written pilot it did REALLY bad in the ratings last night. We’re talking awesome CW numbers. Which is a one way ticket to FOX fitting it for a pair of cement shoes.