Tom Cruise has never hit anyone with a car.


  1. The Delorian squealed to a stop in a cloud of steam, a trail of fire in its weak. The doors glided open, and Michael Lohan emerged, staring at wife Dina, who, because of time travel, was only eight years old. “We’ve got to back to the Future, Dina! It’s Lindsay!” and then they banged, which was illegal, and thus was the torturous cycle of Lindsay Lohan born. Last night she was arrested for hitting a guy with her car – which is a not a Delorian. And because she did that, I’m writing about, and because I’m writing about it, it will keep happening, so really, this is all my fault – I’m sorry America. If it’s any consolation, no one is dead and once I go start working on my doctoral dissertation I probably won’t have time to do it. [NYDN]
  2. In case you wondered why I love Gwyneth Paltrow (BECAUSE I DO AND FUCK YOU GUYS) here she is expounding on how it is impossible to have everything, even if you are Gwyneth Paltrow. I suggest dimming the lights while reading it, and pretending that you are over at her house for homemade mini-pizzas with shaved goat cheese followed by a nice glass of white wine, and she is saying all of this to you, because she knows you have been too hard on yourself lately. [Express]
  3. Last night right when I was falling asleep I was like 90% sure that I was in a fight with my sister over whether or not Dennis Quaid was hot – and then we realized she had been thinking of Randy Quaid which is why she was so horrified that I had been all about that. This is the world’s most boring near-dream. [My Life]

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