The Vampire Diaries: Elena’s Fate Revealed!

This is a recap. I’m going to say exactly what happened in the episode. So don’t be a tool bucket, read it, and then comment about how I ruin everything, okay? Because frankly, you have only yourself to blame.

The Vampire Diaries are back for season four, everyone, and I, like you all I’m sure, could not be more excited. I basically ran to my laptop this morning being all “I’ve Got Something to Say!” It’s like Christmas, your first time, and the Rapture all happened on the same day, you guys! A feeling that is probably not entirely unknown to the denizens of our favorite town in fictive America,  Stars Hallow, Connecticut Mystic Falls, Connecticut  the Nexus of the Universe a Hell-mouth Virginia. The gang’s back! (Most of the gang. Alaric – or as I like to call him Diablo ex Machina – is still dead. So is Gemma, though, so, that’s pretty cool.) The show jumps right back in where we left off, and if you are like me, you have been repeatedly screaming until you passed out due to lack of oxygen and then coming to in order to urinate eat a sandwich and then resume screaming in a vicious, vicious cycle, ever since Elena died and woke the fuck back because you guys, she totally died with vampire blood in her system!

So, how’s Elena now?

the Dobrev feasting upon her giant Frankenstein hands.

Goddamn starving, that’s how! She awoke in her boudoir, where, her hair just as lustrous as always, her big brown eyes just as dewy, her mouth just as open as it ever was, she is greeted by the brothers Salvatore. They are making out. Elena goes “Uh, guys?” and they stop for a second and then Stefan begins his second favorite activity – being a martyr. His absolute favorite activity is making out with Damon and also having sex with him. Stefan is all “Elena, because I respect you as a woman and your right to make choices, when you careened off of that bridge because of stupid Rebecca and plummeted to your death in the river, I saved Matt as requested and allowed you to die knowing that you would wake back up as a vampire because when you hit your head before you were dying and Dr. Most Foul injected you with vampire blood, but don’t worry, this all  might be fine?” Elena blinks at him for a while, and then she is all:

Why so serious?

Because that is a fucking lot of information to give someone before they have even had a cup of coffee slash dealt with the fact that their greatest of all nightmares has come true, Stefan? As Elena sits there, quietly going mad, Damon uses this opportunity to be a giant bitch and sneer at Elena. See, he’s still mad that at the end of last season, she made her choice -  Stefan. So rather than express his true horror and sadness for Elena at the top of the episode, he ponces about like a giant baby, drinking scotch and fleeing but not before pointing out to Stefan that there is no “door number three” in terms of a vampiric transition- you either become a vampire or you die. This is fair and valid. But Stefan is full of bad feelings for enormously fucking over the girl of his dreams yet again. So he is all “Bonnie fix Elena!” and Damon, rightfully, rolls his eyes and bounces.

misty Damon-colored mem’ries.

Damon is not, however, an idiot, so he can’t be unaware that throughout the course of the day, all of Elena’s memories are going to come back to her – even the ones he’s compelled her to forget, including how she met him first, and how he sweetly, and unselfishly professed his love to her, before insisting that she forget it had ever happened. (Was I the only one who kind of wanted some phantom triple kiss action here? Am I weirdo for suggesting it?) So basically, rather than really coming to grips about what is certainly a reality – Elena’s transition – we are back to square one, my favorite square, a giant, messy, fabulous love triangle that will now go on quite literally – FOREVER.

But where’s Caroline you guys, what’s going with Klaus-Tyler? What the fuck’s going with Bonnie? Neckless J? Doctor Most Foul? Crazy priest named Pastor Young who is either a new character or straight up one I have willfully and deliberately chosen to forget ever existed? Oh don’t worry – as Elena’s potentially last day as a human unfolds, every bitch in this city gets involved. After all, they all have a stake in it. HA. See what I did there?

“Oh…hello Father…you?”

Pastor Young, or for our purposes, Father Field Coat McBoyish Locks, shows up at Mystic Falls Hospital (is that what it’s called? Anyone? Or is it something like Founding Fathers Medical Examination Facility?) with his swat team of ambiguously-gay vampire murderers. Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks finds Dr. Most Foul and is all “Bitch, you’re fired,” which is appropriate because of how much he resembles a porno version of Donald Trump. He knows alllll about her whole TERRIBLY IMMORAL blood swapping practices, and he’s putting a stop it. Because this is a vampire show, Dr. Most Foul snarls, “UNDER WHOSE AUTHORITY” and this still being a vampire show, Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks goes, “The council’s!” Because apparently, he and his crazy army have always been the backup plan, put in place by Elena’s parents,  in case uh, the entire council wound up being sympathetic to vampires when all of their children became different iterations of supernatural creatures? ELENA’S PARENTS WERE GOOD AT PLANNING.

but seriously how many times has she been vervained out?

Dr. Most Foul isn’t the only one being kicked the hell out of her position of power – they fucking got Priscilla Presley too! And Sheriff Forbes! It was around this point in the episode where I started murmuring, “Oh HELL no!” over and over again. Also I have decided that for next week’s episode I’m playing a scotch drinking game, because oh my god they drink so much scotch – I mean they also drink a lot of human blood? But I have issues with murder. Maybe for week three? ANYWAY. It ain’t just the grown ups getting screwed over, it’s everybody favorite gaggle of socially awkward, emotionally damaged ever-teens! Rebecca finds herself in a truck with a tranked Caroline who foolishly wouldn’t leave town because of her grief over Tyler’s death. The death squad even gets a hold of Elena and Stefan. It’s not good guys.

Thank God for Klaus?

I’m an English ghost. Phones confuse me.

Or should I say, thank God for Michael Trevino’s amazing impression of Joseph Morgan’s pillowy lips’ performance as Klaus. We will stick with the first one, because the second one takes a long-ass time to type and I’m already exhausted having made the artistic choice to write out Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks every time I mention porno Donald Trump. ANYWAY. Klaus is still hanging out, being all annoyed that he is trapped in Tyler’s body. He wants to get the fuck out of it, and needs Bonnie’s help to do that. Bonnie, completely forgetting anything that her character went through last season, slyly enlists Klaus to stay put and help save Elena so he can have more hybrid blood. I guess, gone are the days of Bonnie being like “everybody I die loves because of you, Elena.” To be fair, the “everybody” this time happens to be…Elena. Klaus begrudgingly agrees to help Bonnie and then fields another annoying call from Tyler’s mom. Luckily, Priscilla Presley, deep in her cups (DRINK!) gives Klaus more incentive to stick around when she tells him that Caroline has been taken by Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks.

Blondes having more fun. LOL.

This is awesome, because for reasons we totally understand, Klaus has an original-style boner for Caroline. He loves her so much he drew her a picture of her with a horse and then ran giggling away. Caroline, being awesome, has always been all “Whaaaat the fuck you are a total psychopath!” to Klaus, rejecting his affections. Now, in her presumed-dead boyfriend’s body, he has a chance to play the hero! He blows up a bunch of cars (not really, but for drama let’s say that he did) and literally rips the door off of the paddy wagon (is that a racist against the Irish term? Holla at me irate Irish!) and rescues Caroline, leaving his sister Rebecca to all “Oh my god Klaus Caroline is right, you are giant wang with a serious, serious mental illness.”

Because Caroline is Caroline and makes people strive to better (sorry, my boner for her typed that) Klaus attempts to tell Caroline that he is not, in fact Tyler. Caroline will hear nothing of this and instead makes out with him a bunch, removes their clothing and demands hot, vampire, hybrid, fugitive, tree sex. Klaus decides that it is in the best interest of his lender-doodle to accept this offer and is about to insert himself into her when he slips and goes all cockney, calling her ‘love’ and mentioning that he has some “Pretty lil flaaahs for sale!”  Caroline, though in fact, accustomed to his face, is all “Aw fuck no Klaus – no!” and then, all sassy like, makes comments about how she now has to go bleach her mouth and then I died from the hilarity.

I wonder what Michael Trevino’s impressive dorsal muscles were doing during all of this? OH WAIT:

it’s like they are eyes and they are seducing me. Talk to me, Michael Trevino’s dorsals and also shoulder blades, tell mama allllll about it.

Thaaaat’s better.  Now we can move on to the only living boy in Mystic Falls (up in the air for that one, right? I’m awesome. I mean, unless I’ve already made that joke? It feels like I have. SO NOW IT IS A CALLBACK. Comedic genius = me.) Matt. After using, abusing, and losing Tyra back in a small town of Tyler Texas, Matt has had a pretty rough go of it in the small New England Southern village of Mystic Falls. His girlfriend dumped him for a vampire after her parents died slash were murdered, his next girlfriend did the same thing only this time the supernatural being in question was a werewolf and also his best friend, his status of graduate from Mystic Falls high is suspect (I didn’t see him walk that stage, did you?), and rather than get out of this hick town, he is stuck tending bar at the only bar in town, in between visits from the ghost of his evil-dead vampire sister, Frankenface. Now, the proverbial cherry on the Sunday – he got to live on as a human being while Elena died. EVERYTHING IS COMING UP MATT! Congratulations bro, you are the only one of your friends who is not is some way supernaturally gifted. I mean, even Neckless J sees dead people.

I’m sure if there was ever a moment to breathe in town, everyone would quietly realize how badly Matt’s life sucks, but because the stakes on this show ARE PERPETUALLY HIGHER THAN MY BLOOD PRESSURE WHICH I MANAGE WITH MEDICATION (kidding, kidding, I’m awesome.) nobody notices this. In fact, when they do notice Matt, it’s to do things like this to him:

Another day, another attempt to make Matt feel like the biggest asshole in the entire world.

Yeah, see, Matt’s not the only one beating himself up (or quietly choking himself out in a nonsexual manner) over what happened to Elena – Damon is more than happy to transfer the anger he cannot express at Elena onto Matt, who has simply shown up to apologize, for you know, EXISTING. Luckily, there are bigger fish to fry, and Damon knows killing Matt will essentially make Elena’s death truly meaningless, so Matt gets to live another day.

no big deal, just totally going against every single aspect of my character’s development.

Meanwhile, across town, Caroline and Klaus are on there way to  a basement where Bonnie is hanging out, because Bonnie doesn’t like to go out much. Ha ha, I kid. No they are headed there so that Klaus can get the hell out of the body he is stuck in. Bonnie is all like “Totally, first I’m going to try to bring Elena’s soul back to this realm though, m’kay?” Which is weird because Klaus and Caroline hadn’t even gotten there yet. Neckless J just nods like this is normal and Bonnie talks some more about the dark origins of her powers. Then she lights all of the vanilla cake votives from Yankee Candle that she can find and tries to summon back Elena even though Neckless J hovers around her, twirling his idiot cloak and being all “Truly witch this is dark magickal power!” and also she gets a bloody nose which actually made me role my eyes because at this point Bonnie needs iron supplements and a nap. More powerful than ever before my fat ass. And it is rotund, y’all.

Ghost arms. Dobrev hands.

Meanwhile Damon has decided it is great that Matt is still alive.  Because they need him to act as bait. FISHING BAIT. Now this show has evil  mermaids. Bahahaha. No it doesn’t. But it does have Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks (not getting old) and his creepy ranch, where Sheriff Forbes, Dr. Most Foul, and Damon deduce he has likely penned up all their buddies, intending to procure the white oak branch and kill all vampires forever. Now, I may have nodded sagely while he was disclosing all of this to Elena in a Bond-villain-esque manner to Elena, but secretly I kind of forget – wait, is it the white ASH? like how they thought there was just ONE tree but now there’s another one? YES! And the bridge and the sign yeah yeah I remember now, and Elena has it some place. Cool. Let’s go on. The Pastor also chit chats with  Elena about her dreams of becoming a writer, to which I loudly announced “Dude, that girl ain’t even written in her Vampire Diary for easily eight years. Also she is transitioning right in front of you!

Having realized this, the Pastor locks Elena in one of the cow pens, and as she slowly turns a sexy shade of paper, Bonnie appears to her and tires to ghost-walk her back into her human self. It is.  The best. But you know who doesn’t think it’s the best? You know who has been quietly sitting in trailer for the past three years, reading the show bible and drinking Martinis? JASMINE GUY. THAT IS WHO.

GRAM GRAM!

While stuck ghost-dancing with Nina Dobrev’s giant hands, Kat Graham is confronted with the ghost of her future self. Ha ha. Nah man, it’s just her dead grandmother as played by Jasmine Guy, who is forced in death to wear the homeliest sweater imaginable. Ghost Gram is all “What the fuck are you doing? Do you never listen to Neckless J? THIS IS OFFICIALLY BLACK MAGIC AND YOU WILL PAY.” Which seemed pretty racist to me, but whatever.

Never one to ignore the guidance of Jasmine Guy, Kat Graham releases Dobrev’s giant mitts and retreats her spirit back to the basement where Neckless J has made them both some warm milk which they lap out of their saucers like little kittens. Then Caroline and Klaus finally make it, and Bonnie is all “Uh, yeah, about that, Jasmine was here? I know, it was weird, anyway we smoked some hash and talked things through and we decided that basically I can’t do black magic – I mean dark magic – I mean fuck, when the only characters who are witches on this show are black there is no way to talk about evil magic without making it sound racist.” Caroline nodded and said something about waiting until Kat Graham’s “traditional” magic was restored and I was all “does that mean Caucasian magic?” and laughed uproariously at my own joke. Then Klaus, anxious to get the hell out of Tyler’s body, tries to claw Tyler’s heart out which is enough to make Bonnie be all “Alright, alright, fine, I’ll do it – GEEZ.”

THEN THIS HAPPENS

Then, because of her disobedience, GRAM GETS FUCKED UP BY THE SPIRITS AND APPARENTLY TYLER RETURNS ONLY TO SUFFER SOME SORT OF ANGEL STYLE DEATH? Seriously though, Tyler came back for a second, Klaus was gone. Tyler looks up at Caroline and goes “Caroline?” and it was straight-up Angel going “Buffy?” right before she had to kill him? Gah! The worst! And the passed out? Died? WE JUST DON’T KNOW. THERE’S NO WAY OF KNOWING. I mean, unless, logically, we continue to watch the program.

I hate basements!

I also hate converted cattle pens where vampires and vampires-in transition are being held and repeatedly gassed with vervain. You know who else hates it? Rebecca. Because poor fucking, nobody-loves-me-not-even-my-brother, Rebecca has a front-row and center seat to the soppiest, modern retelling of Tristan and Isolde of our time. That’s right, in cells side by side, but unable to see each other, with Elena dying, they quietly profess their love, with Elena being all “the reason I was on that bridge was because I chose you, Stefan,” and then Stefan cried and Elena cried and they both lied and told the other they were smiling, and Rebecca was like:

“Good, good – now touch yourself.”

Rebecca is so fed up watching the greatest love story of our time, that she, with an assist from Stefan, lures back in one of their ambiguously gay guards and begins sassing off at him, even though when Stefan did this, it just meant that Stefan got shot a bunch of times. Rebecca is all “I have money and castles,” which let’s be real, I would totally accept as a bribe. But the guard doesn’t, being a True Blood-style religious zealot. Luckily, his decision to stand there are be self-righteous, gave Stefan the chance to reach out, bear-squeeze him, and them REPEATEDLY BASH HIS HEADS AGAINST THE CELL BARS UNTIL HE CRASHED TO THE FLOOR AND BLED OUT.

I was all “Think of the children, CW!” but also was laughing, so maybe I have a problem. Anyway, as the dude’s blood began to pool, Dobrev worked her spooky giant man-handed magic and finger-spooned his blood into her mouth, thus ending her totally never-addressed decision to become a vampire rather than to die. You know, I guess it’s no big deal, this whole immortal ungodly demon thing, that your parents died trying to stop? This thing you swore you’d never become? I mean, I get it, I’d do it to, but I’d address it. I’d be all, tears in my eyes, “I’m not that brave, Stefan.” But that never happened, so I guess now I have to go write some slash – GOOD DAY.

Dobrev hand hungers!

Matt and Damon arrive, presumably after stopping at Sonic for Cream Pie shakes, and basically miss the whole deal. Still, Damon uses this as an opportunity to bite Matt on the neck ostensibly to draw the ire of Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks but really just because he was still VERY UPSET with Matt. His goals achieved, the Pastor comes out and they have a sass fest – Damon beats up (kills) some ambiguously gay guards and is going to be mean to Mat some more when Elena, a fresh vampire, stops him and it is hilarious how well that vein in Nina Dobrev’s forehead lends itself to playing a vampire in a hot rage.

that vein. THAT VEIN.

They never really address how Elena managed to bust them all out of the cages? But I guess it happened? Because she was young and more powerful? Only I thought it was the older vampires who had more power? What happened, was I snoozing? Anyway, they are all free, and Rebecca trots home to quietly destroy Klaus – in his own body? So Tyler is….dead? – for betraying her yet again. Because he is a psychopath Klaus doesn’t care. Rebecca pops a bunch of his Capri sun sacks full of Elena Juice, Klaus chokes her out, they have sex, and then he leaves forever, or until we need him. Which is always. In my bed.

Stefan uses his first free moments to heal Matt, who is a dick about how people are always saving him and how he feels bad enough as is. Stefan has zero pity for him – because why would he, and instead of being all, “You’ve been dealt a shitty hand Matt, and I recognize that,” he was like “YES. Elena died for you – now make every day count.” And then they danced in the rain while a song by Reba played.

The truth will out.

And then the episode made me cry. Maybe I’m just emotional these days, maybe my judgment can’t be trusted, but Damon – and Ian Somerhalder’s performance – blew me out of the water. When Elena confronts Damon with her restored memories, they have a very earnest very passionate conversation, where Damon stands by his choice, knowing he is a bad, passionate, person, not the stable, quiet force that Stefan is for Elena. When Elena points out that if he had been the one in the water, Damon would have let Matt die, Damon agrees, finally telling her what he couldn’t say in the beginning of the episode – that he was furious and sad that she’d never get a chance to grow, to experience life, things that used to not matter to him – but things that she’d taught him the importance of. These two have a thing, you guys, and it’s not going anywhere.

That said, do we fault Elena for taking the safe (but still, you know, vampire) choice in Stefan? He loves her a lot, and she loves him, but as he presents her with her daylight ring in a send-up of an engagement as they watch her first vampire sun rise together on the roof of her house, I couldn’t help feeling desperately unsure if she’d made the right choice. Stefan is happy to have Elena with him forever, happy that she seems okay, but it’s Damon who is off some place mourning the loss of the life of the woman he loved, mourning the human woman who Stefan professed to be so in love with – but now, doesn’t seem worth a thought since she’s been replaced with this everlasting version.

Also Pastor Field Coat McBoyish Locks locked all the doors of his house, opened up the gas and blew up all of his followers in some Heaven’s gate type shit. It was intense.