If you were on the fence after last season about continuing to watch American Horror Story as it sped towards its second season’s iteration, American Horror Story: Asylum, allow me to shove you the fuck over the pickets in three: Adam Levine loses an arm in episode one, and bleeds (out?) over the course of several episodes. Because of aliens, we see Evan Peters’s butt. Jessica Lange is a sexy nun. Is that not enough? Do I need to mention that because it is set in the 19060s in Massachusetts that everyone is trying to do an accent and thus they all sound weirdly like Canadians who have suffered strokes? And that James Cromwell plays an evil doctor who says things like “I hope you don’t mind…but I’m not going to use any anesthesia”? And Sarah Paulson is falsely imprisoned for gayness! And Joseph Fiennes is there, and guys, wasn’t he nominated for an Oscar once? And remember when he was the hot Fiennes? Man, we misjudged that one. Did I mention that Chloe Sevigny plays a nymphomaniac who trolls around sassily saying things like “I’m still the hottest tamale in this joint,” with utter seriousness? YOU GUYS. IT MIGHT BE THE BEST SHOW ON TV. IT JUST MIGHT BE! Okay hold on. I’ve got to breathe. There. Ready. The beginning. he’s in a paaaayphone! Once upon a time, in modern day Massachusetts, Adam Levine and Mrs. Chatting Tatum were playing that they got pretend married. To celebrate this pretend marriage, Adam Levine kept popping off his top and repeatedly wailing about how he was in a phone both and he will be loved because he has the moves like Jagger. Mrs. Channing Tatum let this go on for roughly eighteen minutes before she was like, “Hey, I have an idea, let’s go tour the ten most haunted places in the country and bang in them.” You guys, that is not the actual dialogue – but it is maybe off by only a word. That is Adam Levine fake sexing. Because Adam Levine enjoys putting his tiny member into Mrs. Channing Tatum (who distracted Mr. with a piece of twine tied into several difficult knots) he agrees with her scheme, and together they break into my high school Briarcliff Manor an old age home a one-time TB clinic that was eventually purchased by the Catholic church (spooookey!) and relegated to become a hospital for the criminally insane. Because of course. To celebrate their visit to this place where many people died and doubtlessly horrible things happened, Adam Levine straps Mrs. Channing Tatum into a restrictive gurney and awkwardly thrusts into her until they hear a noise. Well, Mrs. Channing Tatum claims she heard a noise, but it was probably a feeble attempt to get Adam Levine off of her. What is she going to do when she runs out of spooky houses to have sex-not-to-completion in? They follow the banging sound and then Adam Levine’s arm is ripped off by a terrible monster, presumably by “Bloody Face” the most notorious serial killer ever housed in Briarcliff. So notorious that Ryan Murphy took no fewer than three Xanax before naming him. As Mrs. Channing Tatum freaks the fuck out, the story of Briarcliff’s origins (the criminally insane ones, the show doesn’t just veer off and become a historical drama about TB) and to say that it is a party of crazy with a soupcon of what-the-fuck does not begin to do it justice. PETERS. EVAN PETERS. Let us begin with Evan Peters, for verily he is the foxiest. I credit he and Ezra Miller for ending my time of worship at the altar of DILF. Amen. Whereas last season, Evan Peters was a platinum-haired murderous dead boy, this season he is a plucky mechanic who tries to save his secret black wife from a pack of racists who would like to murder her. Only maybe it isn’t the racists who want her dead – maybe it is…aliens? Look, I know the rule about assumptions, but when you show me a white light, electromagnetic pulse, and ALIENS PROBING EVAN PETERS, we enter the realm of deduction. Time to shave Chloe. We are left to wonder – is Evan Peters Bloody Face (as the story would have us believe) or is he the victim of some sort of alien cover up scheme? Other alternatives to Evan Peters being a serial killer and/or crazy involve “it was all a dream and really he is still the dead ghost from season one,” and “We are all figments of Ryan Murphy’s imagination.” For now, all our questions remain unanswered, except for “Is Evan Peters’ butt the best?” because we saw it, and it IS. Now he is an inmate at Briarcliff and Jessica Lange says many, many crazy things about curing his evil with Jesus and then she is racist about his secret black wife, who is dead, we learn, and we are all, “Man, Jessica Lange, you maybe like being an evil bitch juuuust a tad too much…but I forgive you, now make me some coq au vin!” Joe-Joe loves her coq. Other people locked in the insane asylum include Chloe Sevigny who loves to bang and who Jessica Lange’s Sister Jude says has been diagnosed with a disease like the ancient wood nymphs. Bitch please, you ain’t dumb – that shit is called nymphomania and you know it. To punish Chloe for her sexiness, she half-shaves her head, but is interrupted by Lily Rabe whose parents are famous and who is playing a crazy younger nun. Sister Jude is all “Lily Rabe, what do you want?!” And then Lily Rabe begins wailing – not actually in this scene, but for the duration her character is defined by her wailing and I love it. Actually what she does is introduce Sarah Paulson playing Lana, the gay journalist. You thought the ‘L’ on her sweater stood for Lana. Nope, it’s Lesbian. While Jessica Lange (probably just left to drunkenly ramble in front of a rolling camera) monologues a bit about Lana Turner being trouble in a sweater and Jennifer Jones being godly, I quietly wondered if I would be able to handle Sarah Paulson’s slight speech impediment. Paulson you’re growing on me. Sarah’s Lana is a plucky girl reporter out to get the big story on what’s going down at the nut-shack. She wants a Pulitzer! So to get it, she starts by being dishonest with Jessica Lange saying that she’s writing a story about the insane asylum’s molasses bread. You guys, invite me over to dinner, just so I can show up and be all “Here, I brought you some cheese made by the emotionally disturbed and jam from those in hospice…the jam isn’t finished.” True story, when I was 14 I wrote a play with essentially THE SAME PREMISE. At the end of my play, the Lana character was revealed to be insane – because I know what the people want okay? Shut up, I won a prize. Jessica Lange, being no fool, loudly proclaims she is no fool and asserts that Paulson just wants to get the dirt on Bloody Face who is arriving at the hospital THAT VERY SECOND (as hilariously announced by Lily Rabe, auditioning for the role of Maria in the Newport Dinner Theatre’s production of The Sound of Music). Jessica Lange thinks Lana is a jerk, and Lana agrees with her but still asks more girl-reporter questions. When those questions aren’t answered, and after a glimpse of the alleged Bloody Face himself, Lana goes home and Clea Duvall, her girlfriend is like “I was just in Argo, but boom, back I go to pigeonholed lesbian”, and Lana goes, “Wendy, I could win awards for this,” and Wendy goes, “Yes, you could,” and then Lana goes and stands smoking a cigarette in the insane asylum woods at nighttime, as one does. “Fuck this, I just acted in the film most likely to win Best Picture” Meanwhile, Evan Peters is having a shitty time because he is all “Whaaaaat?!?” and also Kelly Ripa’s husband is being a real dick to him. He is beaten almost to death (Me: “EVAN PETERS NO!”) and is then given food by a french innmate who allegedly chopped her family up into little pieces. Cool. Cool. No rest for Evan Peters though, as soon as he has gotten used to the abject darkness James Cromwell playing I am pretty sure his take on Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove is all “Tiiiime to ooooperate!” and we get the sense that he is doing creepy things to all the patients. We get this feeling because Jessica Lange confronts him and says, “You are doing creepy things to all the patients!” and then James Cromwell just laughs and laughs and laughs while walking out of frame. Mr. Kelly Ripa. Don’t get me wrong – Sister Jude isn’t actually concerned for her patients, she is concerned about her own career, and by her own career, I mean that of her boss, Father He Who Also Shall Not Be Named. While Joe-Joe rattles on about eventually being made the first English Pope (HA! HA. Oh show.) and making her his right-hand nun, Jessica Lange mind-strips into a red neglige and lets her lustrous Lange locks fly free. She wants to get her bang on – where or where is Adam Levine when you need him? Oh right, bleeding out while Mrs. Channing Tatum screams, of course. Because the Lange cannot offer up her womanly flower to Joe-Joe, she makes him some french chicken instead, and that’s almost as good as sex, really, isn’t it? (spoilers: it’s not.) me at home, getting ready for bed. Meanwhile outside in the darkness, Lily Rabe is hysterically leaving buckets of raw meat for whatever creatures James Cromwell is making in his laboratory. She goes to scuttle away with her secrets and her flesh in tact and then bumps into Lana who has been laying in wait, hilariously. Lana threatens to narc on her to sister Jude and Lily Rabe wails like a stuck pig and then lets Lana follow her into the asylum. Once they are inside, Kelly Ripa’s husband throws poop at Lily Rabe (guess what Lily Rabe does then) and after wailing she runs away. Side note – having seen Silence of the Lambs, and knowing that there are much worse things a man can through at you from his cell, I was unimpressed with Lily Rabe’s screaming. Cromwell being evil. This means Lana is left all on her own. She is trying to dodge Sister Jude and in the process discovers Chloe Sevigny blowing an orderly pausing only to say to him in hushed tones “I used to be on HBO”. She almost finds Evan “Bloody Face” Peters, but doesn’t, and that’s really too bad, because it was at that point that James Cromwell removed a tiny mechanical alien spider inserted into Evan Peters’ neck. So I guess…we are all figments of Ryan Murphy’s imagination? Awesome? Lana has an ouchie. Because she is Jessica Lange and she will always win, she catches Lana, after Lana was brutally attacked by something (SOMEONE) in the asylum. She locks her up, and then blackmails Clea Duvall into committing her. All three of the women made sure to look into the camera and go “You mean as a lesbian – I do not have the same rights as a straight married couple?” and I rolled my eyes until they hit my brain stem because the action itself was sufficiently awful, don’t try to teach me with dialogue, Ryan Murphy, you aren’t my mom! Finally, we cut to present where Mrs. Channing Tatum is screaming at a figure wearing a bloody….face. Also Adam Levine is not dead yet. Next Time: Evan Peters! Not too funny Mrs Channing Tatum has a name: it’s Jenna Dewan-Tatum. Thank you Rebecca Jane Stokes Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my fervent hopes that such an inane bit of trivia doesn’t permanently lodge itself in my grey matter. Jerry The article was trying way too hard to be funny. It was painful. Rebecca Jane Stokes This worries me, because the entire post was meant in earnest. MsJack This summary was much more entertaining than the actual episode. I thought it was nowhere near as good an opener as the first episode of the first season. Rebecca Jane Stokes Right? It’s like the whole new premise is coasting on the raw shock appeal of season one. MsJack I think my biggest complaint about it was that I was never actually scared. The opener of Season 1 had a few legitimately creepy thrills. In contrast, the only way this could have possibly been any more ham-fisted is if Adam Levine had had actual hams tied to his fists. (Now, picture Adam Levine having not-to-completion sex with Mrs. Tatum with hams for fists!) I did think it was interesting that Evan Peters’ story arc was at least a little bit cribbed from the Betty and Barney Hill alien abduction case, and Peters and Lange were as watchable as ever, but that was about it. Hope this picks up soon (haven’t caught up on episode 2 yet). Also, I miss Taissa Farmiga.