Once Upon a Time Gets Sultry When Hottie Hook And Beast See Who Can Be More Problematic

We’re in flashback territory. This meant that we didn’t see any of our lady triumvirate this week (Snow/Emma/Regina), but got to do some male bonding! Instead of showing what’s happening with the Femme A-Team in Fairy Tale (Mulan, Aurora, Snow, Emma vs. big baddie Cora) we got Rumpely with Stiltskin.

The mystery of when and how R’s wife ran off, putting him at single dad status, is answered this episode. Captain Hook showed up to the nameless sheep-dung manufacturing town where Rumpel and wife cohabitated, and she runs off with him. Then a woman comes to R-ski’s house and tells him that Hook has stolen his wife, but it was a lie. Later, when R-stizzle’s full Dark One, he finds the Captain, rips out his wife’s heart, and takes Hook’s hand. I guess Hook shouldn’t have been such a bully?

Hook just because you look this good does not mean you have the right to be a jerk.

Captain Hook brought guyliner back like it was 2007, and it turns out Rumpelstiltskin has intimacy issues. Back in Storybrooke, Belle leaves Rumpelstiltskin because he can’t kick his magic habit. Henry and Charming bond a little in the mines under the town. But, hey, look, now that Belle’s finally independent we’re going to kidnap her and tie her up.

It’s the chef from Eureka! Asking questions that any kid schooled in stranger danger could respond to! That’ll learn Belle to be locked away for 28 years.

Belle’s kingly father is back to his old self, and decides to skip the father-daughter dating talk altogether and attempt to erase Belle’s memory, instead. He has a newly introduced minion (familiar to those way into Peter Pan you weirdos) hand cuff Belle to a mine cart and attempt to roll her under the town line. Ironically, Rumpelstiltskin’s magic saves the day. I’d like to note that Charming didn’t help.

Belle still won’t date him until he cleans up, but he gives her a library anyway and we don’t even get a song. Hey, remember that time Belle found out her beau was trying to commit murder, and she took a long walk, and moved past it? I feel like Rumpelstiltskin is just being his old evil self, and Belle has unrealistic expectations mixed with an enabling attitude and maybe a host of other harmful attributes.

It may not be on purpose but their whole relationship is basically about romanticizing abuse. Yea for Beauty and the Beast not translating to modern time well!

Also Rumpelstiltskin’s wife running away just made her look like a shitty person with no motivation but wanting fun and “I’m in love!” But the flashback terminated in Hook and crew’s journey to Neverland! And the episode ended with Cora and Hook banding together to storm Storybrooke. Maybe mother-daughter bonding next time?

Hook can come too. They’ll be the prettiest set of brunettes on television.

And now I realize I called Snow/Mulan/Aurora the Triumvirate last week. Drink every time I write “Triumvirate.” We’re power of threeing all over this place! Bring back the women!

Next week’s preview promises more Emma time, and some Hook bondage time. Also [spoiler alert], Charming decks Whale, and somehow it’s 10x less cool than any time Snow judo throws someone. I know Emma’s not around for awkward time, but can we have August back, too please? I think the Pinocchio/Geppetto storyline has more interesting possibilities than Charming/Henry is currently offering.