The Vampire Diaries: To Sir, With Love

Tyler haz a scared.

How angry do you think Steve McQueen’s grandson was when he read the script for this week. Do you think he put down the script and was all “Wait, wait, wait, hold the goddamn phone – we’re having a motocycle episode and I’m not even in the SCENE? I AM STEVE MCQUEEN GRANDSON. I AM GENETICALLY SO COOL THAT WHEN I WALK BY A MOTORCYCLE IT COMES TO ORGASM EVEN THOUGH IT IS A GAS POWERED NON-HUMAN ENTITY.” But let’s be real – Neckless J does not read the whole script. He skips through to find his lines. He highlights them and then goes through with pencil to mark in places where he should stand and stare and brood at the back of another character as they  walk away. Then at the end of the day he is all “Good job, McQueen”, and then he tries to escape and almost escapes but in the end he is caught.

COMPLEX.

Stefan, in a continuing bid to prove himself to be the most egocentric and dick of a vampire boyfriend this side of Mystic Falls, nexus of the universe, has bought a motorcycle to make his girlfriend happy. Yeah, sit with that massive rationalization for a second. The way he sees it, the constant deaths, and sudden transition into lady-vampirehood have made her depressed and Stefan knows what will cheer her up – him buying a motorcycle. Damon thinks this is gross, but rather than trick Stefan into understanding where he’s coming from, he sticks with the party line of “You’re an asshole, she’s a fool, and you’re both vampires – horrible things are inevitable.” I can’t lie, this is Damon’s season – he’s the most interesting he’s ever been and also I want to smear unctuous lotions on his body, I mean what?

Tyler is a hospital, napping after having been shot the hell out of for most of the last episode. His adorable slumber is sullied, however, when the most intense vampire hunter in the history of ever breaks into his hospital room, doses him with a paralytic and then suctions some werewolf poison out of his jaw. Poor Tyler cannot catch a break, he’s all “Stop using my fluids for evil, world! Stop using my precious fluiiiids!” and then he falls to the ground and we see him bum because he is a wearing hospital gown. It’s arousing.

Joseph Morgan, eat a cake.

Now that the ground is ripe for Stefan to pout the entire episode about his relationship with the brother he turned into a vampire against his will (NEVER FORGET) the writers took a moment out to remind me what the hell exactly is going on with Elena’s education – It’s back to Rock N’ Roll Mystic Falls High, everybody! Elena turns and directly addresses the camera to disclose the following: “Look, this is a perfect opportunity for me to give a very Elena-esque speech about how me becoming a vampire doesn’t mean my life has to stop, it just has to change, and how I want to finish high school, hell, maybe even go to college one day, but rather than do that, I am going to whine to Matt, Stefan, Caroline, and possibly the school administrators about how I’d rather be at school because it’s a safer haven for me to hide from the evil vampire hunter who is all mercilessly up in everyone’s chatch this season.”

Rebecca. Homely peasant blouse.

Then she feeds on Matt, because she can only keep his blood down, and Matt cringes and then goes, “Squawk! It’s a living!” Elena then hands feeds him bits of steak while nude in thanksgiving. Naw, I’m just playing, instead she covers him up with a bandage and makes a sad face – RATHER THAN HEALING HIM WHICH SHE OR STEFAN OR CAROLINE OR TYLER OR DAMON OR REALLY MOST OF THE TOWN, DOCTOR FELL EVEN COULD TOTALLY BE DOING.

Elena than has a mild attack of the sads when she and Stefan skulk into history class and are promptly reminded that Alaric is dead and that history is the saddest of all the subjects. For Elena this sad turns into rage the moment the moment Rebecca sasses her way into the classroom. In light of the new curfew having been imposed on the town post The Time Tyler Got Shot By A Lunatic In Front of Everyone, Rebecca is throwing a Fuck The Curfew Party! Only she is calling it an Anti Curfew Party which is not as cool as the name I, other human Rebecca, have come up with. Elena kindly points out that everybody hates Rebecca because she is pathetic, slimy, needy, and the most immature vampire maybe ever. Rebecca does not take this well and thus, stabs Elena in the breast with a pencil. No one in the class reacts, because their home has been taken over by vampires and every step and breath they take is colored by the certain fear that their days are, one way or another, inevitably numbered.

Neckless J learns a lesson.

Damon tries to distract himself from his deep abiding sorrow by hunting down the vampire killer who obtained Tyler’s venom. He tracks him to a trailer in woods – because all vampire hunters are deeply unsocialized – and waltzes into the place where he is promptly shot with not one, but two arrows attached to an explosive device. “Well this certainly is a pickle,” he basically says, and then calls Dr. Fell to come help him. When she is all “Oh my god you asshole I could die here, why didn’t you call Stefan,” Damon continues to win by being like “Because I am mad at Stefan – HUFF!” Damon is the most likable character on this show – THERE, I SAID IT. I also love his relationship with Dr. Fell who is always like “You are essentially so evil,” and Damon’s like “WE’RE BEST FRIENDS AREN’T WE?” because all Damon wants is a friend to shoot a montage with.

the best.

Back at school, Elena is furiously cleaning herself up in the bathroom – again, because Elena as a vampire is a giant hilarious slob which I love. And as she quietly mumbles about killing Rebecca, because Elena also has HILARIOUS vampire rage now, Rebecca and a bleeding glamoured student walk into the bathroom to continue their mockery of Elena’s weakness for human blood. When Elena refuses to drink from the girl in the homely peasant blouse Rebecca rubs blood in her face and I quietly promise to name my first born daughter Elena Blood Face Stokes. Elena then stamps her foot a bunch about hating Rebecca, while Caroline and Stefan roll their eyes and go “Teenagers, give them an inch – they swim all over you!” LOLZ.

I swear this is a different and new screen shot of Matt being strangled.

Elena strops off home, and Caroline and Stefan talk fondly at each other, and it becomes clear that when Elena and Damon eventually end up together, Caroline and Stefan will hook up – that’s why we had this whole story line about Klaus coming back to protect Tyler and also this lady werewolf from Tyler’s time in the woods, and Klaus sniffing out Tyler’s infidelity. Yeah. That happened, mainly to ease our sobbing when Tyler and Caroline break up. What makes this show awesome (other than everything) is that they never let anyone be single for long, they’ve always got someone in the wings – just like real life, right guys? LOL. I AM SO LONELY.

YES.

Back at school both Matt and Neckless J are having a shit day. Matt is strangled – AGAIN – and Neckless J is told by the vampire hunter that the reason he can see his normally-invisible tattoo, is because he too has the potential to be a hunter. There was a moment where there absolutely could have been a Buffy joke but they backed away from it which was super cowardly and made me sneer. Rebecca tries to apologize to Matt FOR LETTING HIM ALMOST DIE SLASH KILLING HIM and he wants none of it. In fact, he’s so pissed, he outs her to the vampire hunter. DRAMZ.

That night, Elena and Stefan go to Rebecca’s party aka her fest of eternal desperation. Unbeknownst to all the vamps at the party, there is werewolf venom in the keg, because Neckless J is useless and didn’t think his sister was going to that party. Idiot. Prior to the party, Elena was digging through Damon’s drawers looking for the one tree hill oak stake to kill Rebecca with. Damon catches her and they eye fuck long and hard. Then she leaving whimpering, because his sex is on fire.

“LUUUUCY”

At the party Rebecca is pissed and pleased that Elena is there because she loves a Dalla-style hair pulling, slapping, and pool pushing sort of girl fight. Stefan saunters around drinking, and Elena and Rebecca get into it which ends with Rebecca tossing Elena’s sun protection ring into the garbage disposal, leaving Elena adorably caught in the wall by a giant dresser scowling like a furious hungry kitten. She feels the burn, gets her ring, and is en route to kill Rebecca with the stake when Stefan walks in and is like “Luuuuuucy” and I laughed so long and hard. Elena was like “Wanna kill though – wanna!” And Stefan patiently explains to her that if she kills Rebecca all the vampires she turned will die. Elena sulks, does a keg stand on the way out of the party to irritate Rebecca thus inadvertently consuming werewolf venom, and goes and stands up right on a motorcycle with Stefan to experience what fun is like.

LOLZ.

Neckless J and Dr. Fell with an assist from Damon and Klaus lure the vampire hunter to the hospital where Klaus ominously discovers that he is “One of the five” and then the vampire hunter blows himself up. Damon is all “High five Doc F” and she is all “Go fix your life because we are not friends.” Damon kicks a piece of rubble and wanders off while Neckless J stands there being like “Uh guys – is Elena at that party? Because I have super messed up – sorry, it’s hard to concentrate WITHOUT A MOTORCYCLE AKA MY BIRTHRIGHT.” Everyone ignores him, but Klaus does go over there when Stefan summons him eight million times and heals Elena. Then Klaus speaks in shadows about his reasons for saving Elena and how everything has changed and we’re all like “Yes, we know, ancient one, many are the secrets you have, now kiss me.”

YUM

The whole day has really blown the big one, and despite Caroline’s earlier praise for Stefan as a vampire teacher, he summons her and explains that he is depressed because he can’t enjoy being a vampire with Elena for fear of turning into the Ripper again. Cry me a fucking river, Stefan, this should make you happy – because nothing quite runs your motor the way misery does and don’t you dare try to pretend otherwise. Caroline agrees to be his mentor and we are one step closer to knowing what their children will look like.

That’s not the only change in mentorship. Matt comes over to let Elena feast on his pizza and ramen flavored blood, but she is so mad and angry and what have you that she nearly drains him. Damon appears, stops her, glamours Matt into forgetting it happened and then does the best thing of all. Just as she is about to completely fall apart at what she is capable of, he tells her that she’ll be fine, she’ll get through it – because he is going to be her teacher. It was the best. I stood up and applauded like I imagine happens at football games when someone scores a rebound shot at the bottom of the ninth.

Team Evil McAwesome and the Vampire Hunter

The Matt near-death count this episode was technically at three. Back at Castle Lonely, Rebecca is feeling the pain of the venom, and the hallucinations it brings ( though free from a fear of death since she is un-killable) she imagines that Matt appears and berates her for being unlovable and that she rips his heart out. Just when Rebecca is about to hit writing in her black journal in gel pen levels of sad, The Dead Pastor’s Daughter arrives – because she, being equally pathetic, would rather stay at Rebecca’s and clean up after the party. This touches Rebecca because she is easily manipulated and she vows to find out what happened to Pastor Young. It’s glib, and so easy, but I love it and hope they have a lesbian love affair because that is what this show needs.

Teach me, teacher.

Somewhere, Bonnie was taking her own life by means of a shot gun, but it misfired and she was left to weep – unable to even kill herself right.

Feeling like he needed to really round out the episode with more of his eternally boring secrets, Klaus reveals – to like, just us, and I mean I guess himself – that he hasn’t allowed the vampire hunter to die. He then is all “ONE OF THE FIVE” and the vampire hunter is like “whaaaat?” and Klaus smirks, because there is nothing Klaus likes more than to feel superior, except for maybe the touch of Stefan’s furrowed brow gently grazing his Johnson.