This is a recap of LAST week’s episode. This week’s is forthcoming.

I deliberately waited a week to write up last week’s American Horror Story in brief, because I knew that immediately after suffering through hurricane Sandy I would be getting hit with a Nor’easter, which was perfect, since this episode takes place entirely during said north easterly storm. Yes. That was my plan alllll along. The delay had nothing whatsoever to do with my extreme boredom during last week’s episode and my increasing certainty that between this and Boardwalk Empire James Cromwell is burnt out, and couldn’t remember his lines so I’m pretty sure he just wandered around the set yelling “Bitch!” hoping that a camera was rolling.

“RECAP FASTER”

In my heart of hearts I wanted to skip this episode, but as dull and poorly plotted as certain aspects were, we did, strangely, get some new important information, and other morsels of new information that probably should be presented and considered here as the series goes forward. But I’ll be real. I don’t know how much more of Cromwell clutching as his genitals and drawing nipples on the Virgin Mary I can take.

Remember last time when I was meanly rejoicing in the death of Adam Levine’s young lover character? Well I’m a dick, and just because someone gets their arm ripped off and is then repeatedly stabbed, that doesn’t mean they are dead. Much was the case with Levine, who survived just long enough to save Mrs. Channing Tatum from the clutches of their evil dead skin wearing attacked. They paused to dance in celebration before being killed. For realsies this time! Only there’s a complication – they weren’t being killed by the real legendary serial killer, but by two townies wearing masks. “Well that’s creepy as fuck,” I said, before said townies were immediately killed by the real article. Either that was a pointless attempt inserted merely to extend the framing device, or there’s more to it. The real question is – do we still care? Right now I’m leaning towards no.

“WHORE”

Meanwhile, back in time, Sister Rabe is full of demons and a storm is brewing. Zachary Quinto is back to being an unbeliever and James Cromwell is in his basement laboratory dissecting the space alien robot spider he removed from Even Peter’s neck, pausing intermittently to quietly call it a whore. Sister Jude is having a shitty time of it. She’s just trying to be a good hospital administrator, but demons and dicks keep crossing her at every turn! Now even God has turned against by having this giant old storm blow through Boston (I love Jessica Lange too much to address the quality of her Boston accent, but let the record show – I’ve noticed.) She’s got plans to keep the crazies distracted with a screening of a flick, but what to do to ease her own worried mind? Over-kneading some dough in the refectory is useless in the face of Sister Rabe who is quietly driving Sister Jude to madness in an Edgar Allen Poe-esque fashion, all leaving evidence of Sister Jude’s hit and run all over the hospital – the kid she killed’s glasses, a newspaper from the day of the crime, spoooooky phone calls! It’s enough to drive Sister Jude back into the arms of drink, as proferred by Demon Rabe.

This is the part of the show where Jessica Lange gets tanked on communion wine and then goes on to introduce the film the crazies are going to watch and I seriously wondered how many up and coming actresses will use this monologue as an audition piece.

JESSICA LANGE YOU’RE DRUNK GO HOME

Because Sister Jude is out of commission, all manner of shenanigans she’d normally catch on to happen, which is good, because hilariously Sister Jude is so smart that it kind of stalls the action of the show. Lana the Lesbian enlists the assistance of Dr. Quinto, sending him to pass a message along to her dead girlfriend. When Quinto returns from his quest and nonchalantly is all “I’m pretty sure that the serial killer everyone thinks Evan Peters is totally murdered her,” Lana the Lesbian is like “I’ve made a huge mistake” to Frenchie and Peters and they all decide to flee the asylum with the assistance of Chloe Sevigny who saves them all by blowing a guy and being all “SAVE YOURSELVES”.

The Scooby Gang makes it out of the prison, into the storm, has a hilarious Shawshank rip-off scene of dancing joyously  – and then are swarmed by the evil monsters James Cromwell has living in the forest. Left with no other options, the Scooby Gang flees back into the prison of a hospital, and take back their seats in the recreation room, sopping wet, a fact noticed by no one.

Missing! I’m worried, y’all!

But all is far from well – because there are three people missing. The pinhead went to tinkle and never returned! PLEASE GOD LET HER BE OKAY, She probably hasn’t finished writing all the season’s episode (SEE WHAT I DID THERE.) Also missing Chloe the sexpot! Because she is being raped and murdered by James Cromwell! I was outraged you guys, and upset! It kind of broke my heart in the best way – a strong point for the episode – to see Chloe Sevigny try to convince Cromwell that she wasn’t some dumb bitch and that when she had sex it was on her own her own terms. But she had picked the wrong mother fucking day – Cromwell was done!

Ya see, earlier, Demon Rabe, in an effort to destroy Cromwell as she has destroyed Lange, went to his office and tried to seduce him with her red lipstick and nun’s tavern (read: vagina) Cromwell was angry and sad and very turned on – finally shoving Demon Rabe from the room, devastated that this bastion of purity he was fixated on had turned out to be foul like all the rest. Even though he is a murderous crazy cretin, the moment where he told Jessica Lange that the hospital had perverted Demon Rabe was spooky good.

“So tired from the attempted raping”

After failing to maintain a rape-assisting erection, Cromwell bludgeons Chloe and then wanders the halls of the hospital drawing nipples on the Virgin Mary and calling her a whore before shoving the statue over and shattering it. I was annoyed by this. Later on, he will cut off Chloe’s legs. Because men do not like it when they lose their erections mid-rape and you laugh at them.

Jessica Lange passed out drunk for a while, the same way I do – face down and shoes on, kids! While this happened, Demon Rabe went in to pray with a character known only as “The Mexican” for reasons that should be obvious. Because she is Mexican she is clearly a devote Catholic and recognizes the devil is Demon Rabe. Demon Rabe then slits her throat and stabs her over and over and over again. I ate some almonds and went, “Well. That was certainly graphic.”

That was essentially all that happened Chloe has no legs now! Episode over! Spooky! Rape! Whores! Pinheads! Drunk Lange! Failed Escape! I guess that’s kind of all you need to know?