At my funeral I would like for the entire current cast of the Vampire Diaries (I’m looking at you dead Aunt Jenna) to stand in a line over my coffin and recite in unison, “This, is my Mystic Falls…” continuing on with the opening exposition-based speech they have been giving at the beginning of each episode this season. My favorite part is how Bonnie just sort of blandly intones “WITCHES”.

remember this?

But enough of that – who cares about exposition when there is a Vampire Hunter in need of capturing and definitely not killing, because he’s got the key to the cure for Vampirism. (Side note: Spell check refused to believe it was a word, but don’t worry, I’ve added ‘vampirism’ permanently to my dictionary. I know I’ll be able to sleep well at night now.)

We know things have gotten serious in Mystic Falls, the nexus of the waking universe, because Stefan and Elena have returned to pen their secret most penis and vagina feelings in their handsome leather-bound journal books. The writers of the show at least have the good grace to address this hilarious discrepancy with Elena starting her entry with “Dear Diary, WELL IT’S CERTAINLY BEEN A LONG TIME – I AM A VAMPIRE NOW.” Which is not going to be knee-slapping fun for her to look back on the way it is when I look at my old journals and they say stuff like “KURT COBAIN IS DEAD AND SO IS MY HEART.”

Damon has a hard time with phones.

The journal writing happens to provide us further insight into the wedge between Stelena, and all the reasons they are growing further and further apart. Damon addresses this schism directly at the end of the episode, but we’ll get to that. For now, we learn that Elena hates being a vampire, and that Stefan is willing to do anything to procure her a mode of the life of eternal bloodsucker – even it means lying to her and striking an unholy alliance with Klaus.

LOLLOL

Connor the Vampire Hunter, one of the Brotherhood of the Five, returns to Mystic Falls on the insistence of the Creepy “Hot” Occult Professor. He is just as eager for Connor to finish killing all of the vampires he can so they can break the code of his tattoos, but he admonishes Connor not to kill Bonnie. Connor is all, “I DO WHAT I WANT”, and the teacher takes this in stride and is all “Uh, okay? I guess I will distract her?”

Nothing like a little crossbow play.

Knowing that his deeply subjective attractiveness will not be enough to keep Bonnie off of the grid, he invites her to his office for some “witch therapy”. I was hoping this would involve a lot of his massaging her shoulders and being all “Shhh, don’t fight out love,” but instead he gave her some mildly hallucinogenic tea and then proposes that he hypnotize her out of the guilt, fear, and shame that keep her from being able to practice magic again.

Bonnie is all “that won’t work on me,” but then seven hours have passed and she can ignite a room full of candles with her mind once more. She seems to trust this guy completely, paying no heed to the countless ways she’s been screwed over in the past, and is eager to be his disciple though it is clear that he means to use her power for evil. I  mean, right? I don’t think I’m wrong here. After all, this witchy party was only a distraction to keep Bonnie away from her phone and internet – so she wouldn’t  be available when her desperate friends called her for help.

Matt is so over it.

And why the Bonnie SOS? Because Connor has returned to town as instructed and taken the only three marginally normal humans (MARGINALLY) and is holding them hostage inside the Mystic Grill (RIP MYSTIC GRILL!) Sheriff Mom knows what’s going on, but she has a migraine, so she authorizes a police blockade of the street and then shoos Caroline out of the room. Matt, Jeremy, and April Young cower in terror of Connor. The boys are like “fucking vampire killers – LOL, I’m kidding, they aren’t real, April,” which was hilarious because it makes April Young the only person who is none the wiser in THE WHOLE TOWN.

In a gross way, it’s kind of sweet how Matt and Jeremy want to protect April’s mind from the truth. In another way it’s deeply condescending. Jeremy also learns that he was compelled into forgetting his whole other conversation with Connor and is PISSED about it. This is clearly a mark towards getting him to embrace his potential as a hunter.

HEART HIM.

Damon and Elena are in the thick of a plan – break into the Grill, kill Connor, get Jeremy and the gang (simple, murdery, but it has its charms.) when Stefan interrupts them. He insists they do things his way, because he is a massive control freak, and now one in an alliance with Klaus. Damon and Elena are all “what the fuck Stefan?” when he says they can’t kill Connor, and Stefan responds in kind by vervaining Damon into submission, stealing his daylight ring, demanding Elena stay put and going to take care of everything himself.

This is the episode where I lost all empathy for Stefan, and I think Elena came pretty close to feeling the same way. She defies Stefan, tries to help, makes things worse, and Jeremy still gets a little shot. After the hostages are safe, Damon squeezes Stefan’s heart until he reveals why he and Klaus need Connor alive. Earlier in the episode, while writing in his Vampire Diary, Stefan claims Damon can’t know about the cure because he prefers that Elena be like him. This demonstrates such a fundamental misunderstanding of his own brother, which is made even clearer at the episode’s end. Could Stefan so quickly forget his brother’s own horror and misery at being turned himself? Apparently.

Idiot.

While they are having their heart (squeeze) to  heart, Elena corners Connor and kills the fuck out of him by snapping his neck – a Damon move if ever there was one. In doing so, she effectively kills her only shot at a cure – not that she knows (also I don’t think Connor will stay day, folks have a way of not staying dead on this show. ALARIC COME BACK. JENNA STAY AWAY.) While Elena has Lady Macbeth style hallucinations of blood spattered walls and blood spelling out the word KILLER on her bathroom mirror, Stefan and Damon come to the crux of the issue, when Damon asks Stefan, “Do you want this cure for her, or are you afraid that you can’t love her the way she is,” to paraphrase. And Stefan…admits that he can’t really be with her as a vampire. Damon then whips his cock out and says – AND MEANS – that he’d love her either way. BOO STEFAN. YAY DAMON. We are inching ever closer to the reality of Delena, and I love it.

Meanwhile the hybrids continue not to interest me that much. Caroline finds out about Tyler’s dalliance in the mountains which he claims was less of a dalliance and more of PLAN TO OVERTHROW KLAUS. To which I say, biiiiitch please. I want them to break up, for him to get with Hailey – if he must – and for Caroline and Stefan to hook up! They belong together! Surely fandom agrees. Hold on, let me check. LOL YES – FANDOM AGREES.

Dobrev contemplates her horrific frankenhands.

To cap the episode Pastor Young’s chronically unhappy and socially awkward daughter is tricked into protecting herself with vervain by two handsome young men telling her the vervain bracelet looks pretty on her. She saunters off, an object worthy of pity, with no friends since Rebecca (Still not gonna spell it “right”, sorry.) got staked. Upon doing the good dead of helping her, Jeremy discovers a hunter’s mark appearing on the top of his hand – FOREBODING MUCH?

 

 

  • Vicky

    Your recaps are a fucking bless. I’m laughing my ass off over them, thank you. :D