Last week’s episode of American Horror Story Asylum was pretty messed up. It was so deeply troubling that I had to retire to my chamber for several days and weep instead of actually recapping it. That is a lie.

Jude visits the Nazi hunter.

In the most recent episode, creatively entitled Anne Frank Part 2, the patient named Anne Frank takes center stage yet again, with Kit and Frenchie’s pending sterilizations,  the revelation of Bloody Face’s identity, and Sister Jude’s fall from grace taking up the B, C, and D story lines, respectively.

When last we left the asylum, we – and Sister Jude – had been convinced that Anne Frank wasn’t crazy or deluded about her identity. Her arm tattoo, her memories of the camps and of Cromwell’s presence there, all of these things seemed to support her insistence that she was who she claimed. By the end of part one, we were all rooting for her when she stole that cop’s gun and popped a cap in Cromwell’s ass (knee), and discovered the legs, mutated trunk of a moaning Chloe Sevigny.

Anne Frank busts a cap.

At the top of the epsiode, we aren’t immediately dissuaded from our pro-Anne stance. In fact, Sister Jude has been so convinced, she has – with the help of her sassy Mother Superior – enlisted the covert efforts of a Nazi hunting Jewish survivor. She presents him with a file on Cromwell and we get the vague intimation that she is putting a hit out on him. It’s all very Quentin Tarantino. (No, no it’s not.)

But when she returns to the hospital, she’s forced to consider that her own hatred for Cromwell  may have colored her willingness to believe fake Anne Frank. Because she is fake Anne Frank. Her husband, some guy, shows up and explains that her name isn’t Anne, and she’s just a simple woman who went full on post-partum after the birth of their son, becoming obsessed with the holocaust, and Anne Frank. Sister Jude, dejected, releases her into his care.

Kit is forever alone, not that bright, but not sterile, so that’s good.

In the basement of the asylum Kit and Frenchie are acting out their own version of Abelard and Heloise – only this time with more aliens. Kit’s breakdown and tears at the end of part one really got to Sister Jude who has called off his sterilization – but not Frenchie’s. While Kit is led upstairs, Frenchie is left alone to wait for the knife – but instead of the surgery she is expecting, she is abducted and sexed by some aliens – and sees Kit’s wife – ALIVE!

Back upstairs, Kit is told my Dr. Zachary Quinto that if he confesses his crimes on tape, that he will be able to make sure he stays in the institution and doesn’t go to jail where he will probably get the chair. Because Kit is not bright, he believes Dr. Quinto’s creepy words, even though I loudly admonished him not to. Dr. Quinto is busy this episode – in addition to being weird with Kit, he is weird with Lana, helping her escape the hospital. At first I was all “oh man he is going to so rape her and I don’t think I can handle that,” but then it was cool because he took her to his house where he had a lamp made out of human flesh and some mints in a bowl made from a human skull and I was all, “OOOHHHH HE’S BLOODY FACE! This explains much.”


Lana tries to escape, but as a moron, winds up in his workshop instead, where he sends her through the floor via lever, where she winds up chained to the floor next to the frozen corpse of her girlfriend. It then becomes clear that Bloody Face wants Lana to engage in some lesbian necrophilia and that’s when I started loudly going “HOW IS THIS ON TV?! I DON’T EVEN – RYAN MURPHY!!!!”

Meanwhile, back at the asylum, Kit is arrested – again – for being Bloody Face, because his psychiatrist – the real Bloody Face – blackmailed him. But before he can be dragged from the hospital he has to witness Frenchie bleeding from her crotch and wailing about his wife being alive – IT IS A GOOD TIME.


Anne Frank, sadly, winds up back in the hospital after like, a day. Her husband is like “I can’t even,” and James Cromwell seizes his opportunity to hide him – ACTUAL NAZI PAST – by performing a lobotomy on her, making her  mostly-brain dead, but still a robot and also a vengeful (I think) assassin with her eye on Cromwell. Being so wrong about Anne, and then the news of Lana escaping, effectively break Sister Jude, who waxes poetic about God never answering your prayers the way you think – which was actually uh, really good theology – only then she ruined it by talking about a dead squirrel. Then she gets sexy, drunk, and bangs a guy, so deep is her despair and girrrrrl I have been there!

Hitler and James Cromwell.

But don’t fret Sister J! You may have fallen from Grace but I don’t believe what the security guard says – that a strong woman like you never stood a chance – because as crazy as the fake Anne was, she also was on to something. In her obsessive holocaust researching she DID come across a photo that incriminate Cromwell’s – it’s totes him and Hitler!

skull mints.

Also in this episode, even though Sister Rabe claimed that she dragged Chloe Sevigny out into the woods to keep the doctor from being found out, it looks like that’s not what she did, since a bunch of Boston school children’s recess got totally spoiled by the sight of her all, monster-crawling up some exterior stairs.


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