Man, was there ever a bigger let down then this episode of Once Upon A Time?

You have Annabeth Gish playing a werewolf and you have the expansion of the Belle/Red friendship and Charming has something to do besides brow beat the resident villains (though he still finds time for that). This should be awesome!

This…this was not awesome. Pieces were awesome. Annabeth Gish plays werewolf well and I repeatedly found myself wishing she was the eminent Red Riding Hood because woman can act, has a wig that should be bronzed and once made whale noises to a birthing Scully and I refuse to ever forget that fact or let others forget it.

Guys. That’s a bump it. Is this chica from Dallas because that hair is HUGE.

Unfortunately Gish can get as growly as she wants but her character was one note and also kind of an idiot. And by kind of I mean, damn woman, you just are not smart! Ways to not gain your daughter’s love/respect/trust. Declare your plan to slaughter her best friend after knowing her all of a second.

Also are we sure she’s actually Red’s mom? Because Red was pretty undevastated by the news that her grandmother has been lying to her since she was a baby and that betrayal was never ever reflected before or since. Could she maybe be Red’s mom’s twin and Red’s mom will show up later and be like “WHAT NOW BITCHES? AND THAT’S NOT EVER SEXIST. WE’RE FUCKIN’ WOOOOLVES MAN.” And then they’d dance naked in the moonlight but as wolves and Snow would watch it all and get plowed on Wolf Juice which is like Gummiberry Juice only less bouncy and more drunky.

Whatever. Let’s discuss this.

Just cuddle friends happily helping each other block romantic interludes with dudes.

Yeah. We know what’s what.

Man. Ladies. You shouldn’t be friends unless you want everyone to write sapphic fiction about you and draw pictures where in you bone. Because Belle, you’re the Beauty and Red you’re a woman who turns into an uncontrollable beast and who is in need of someone to love you or something. That’s like. Tailor made. I feel for Rumple, off waiting on Belle for burgers and stuff. Because his lady love is instead getting chained up in the library by Red. That’s not even the beginning of smut! That’s what actually happens. If they were any gayer they’d be Aurora and Mulan in the next episode (spoilers!).

Though, to be fair, they actually seem pretty straight what with Belle being in love with Rumple and Red getting gaga over Gus Gus.

Gus Gus or GPOY. I will never tell.

Who. Died.

Cinderella wasn’t even there to mourn him! He just got up and ate by the machinations of one Evil King. Bradford Meade, why you got to be so evil man? First you blackmail Charming into being your son and then you sterilize Snow and now you’re running around killing Gus Gus, the only man of color in Storybrooke that isn’t a genie turned mirror turned reporter in an insane asylum?

Also this face guys! And the charm!

Not cool.

Though you building a big ass bonfire and just chilling waiting for Red and Charming before plopping the hat into the flames? That was some stone cold evil buggery right there. I hope you’re sterile lost love is Regina’s mom and Regina is actually your daughter and thus Charming’s sister and you and Regina’s mom team up to be stone cold evil buggers who have no sympathetic backstory whatsoever. You can be like an aging Sid and Nancy/Spike and Drusilla/Darla and Angelus.

Or you can just lay by that bonfire on that moonlit beach and wait for Jack to come and draw you like on of his French girls.

I mean, she’s busy teaming up with Hook to come mess with her daughter and you’re busy framing a werewolf for murder so everyone will dislike your son. You guys clearly have some issues with parenting that you should work out together. In sweet sweet wrinkly ecstasy.

Speaking of your kids (they’re siblings and no one can say otherwise) they were quite the busy bees hmmmm. Charming had to handle Red’s attempt to commit suicide via mob and join forces with Regina to help Henry. Who is dreaming of Aurora. Damn this show and all the romantic stories they turn unromantic by same sexing the couples or making one of them ten!

Aurora and Henry are both stuck in a “scary” fiery room and I use quotes because the room and it’s description are not nearly as terrifying as suggested by the screams of Aurora and Henry. Unless they’re agorophobic and pyrophobic. Regina, being a super smart psychopath, immediately concludes that this is the second part of her sleeping curse. I kind of love that she made a sleeping curse that tortures its victims even after it’s lifted. That’s some ingenuity right there. Less likeable was how sassy Rumple is with her. I get that they hate each other but I’m really struggling to understand where his contempt comes from–I just remembered she locked up his girlfriend for nearly thirty years. NEVERMIND. CONTINUE TO BE CONTEMPTUOUS YOU TWO.

And Annabeth, should you find yourself immortal or should they find the necessity of recasting Red to someone who tackles the role with a little more gusto you should show up again.

With your wig.

Notes

  • Remember when that new guy showed up and flirted with Red and took her to her mother and we all thought they’d be a thing? And then he died? I love how this show just flipping SLAUGHTERS good-looking guys with chest hair. Also how this show is full of good-looking dudes with chest hair.
  • Regina’s addiction storyline and path to forgiveness and sort of highlighted in this episode. Regina’s darkness is viewed as a choice–much like drug addiction itself–whereas Red’s is a disease. They’re both powerless over what has happened to them but Red is immediately treated as a victim of her problem while Regina is a villain. Much like with addiction itself. Some people are just inherently easier to forgive.
  • What in the hell is up with the general populous of Storybrooke. Did Regina just bring them all over because they’re really good at forming a mob? Like are they actually one entity spread among many? And how snazzy was it that they’re in the present day and still busting out TORCHES to go after werewolf Red.
  • Speaking of werewolf Red. Yikes effects people. That was only a shade better than a Twilight wolf and with none of the size consistency. If Twilight is doing it better REEVALUATE.
  • I love how Charming and Red basically have nothing in common but Snow.
  • As effusive as I was above this episode was basically a shit storm of mediocrity and badness. The Red storyline was dead in the water. It’s odd because the actress playing Red is very easy to look at and seems to generate made chemistry with other people, she just shares none of that with the screen and I’m really, really not crazy about “Young Red.” Was she that childlike last season in the Red-centric episode? Because she came off as positively five.
  • Later Today Because I’m All Caught Up! Emma and Snow battle zombies and Charming and his gang battle sleeping curses and Barbara Hershey gets her evil on in a most satisfactory manner.