Praise be your deity or natural law of choice. Nick is gone y’all and according to Kalinda he ain’t ever coming back. After farting around the sidelines for way more episodes than necessary and being vaguely threatening and vaguely interesting and vaguely abusive Nick has vaguely shuffled off this mortal coil.

From her face Alicia probably has a vague inkling of what went down.

At least that’s what I hope. He threatened to never leave and maybe harm boo-bear Alicia so Kalinda had the episode smash to black while she glared at him and then she showed up late for drinks with the woman she’s madly in love with. If that isn’t indication of a dead Nick floating in a Great Lake while sporting a baseball bat through the skull I don’t know what is!

And may I say? Good riddance. This storyline, ostensibly meant to illuminate all of Kalinda’s nooks and crannies did little more beyond confirm what we already knew–she’s a smitten kitten for Alicia Florrick. Beyond that? Nothing whatsoever. Kalinda was separated from all the action and interesting guest stars so she could watch a dude fingerbang her ice cream and then be abused a little for reasons we know not. The show teased us straight past frenzy and into “Stop already I want to go watch my programs and eat some pie” territory in its attempt at prolonging a reveal about anything remotely related to Kalinda.

We get it. She’s mysterious. But at some point you’re going to have to actually remove some of that mystique. It can be scary. We build mysteries up so big that their truths are rarely as powerful as what we’ve imagined. Letting us in a little when it comes to Kalinda’s past could very well put us off the character–but keeping her in this static area of character development strikes me as even more deadly to our affection for her.

Right now? Her only redeeming quality is her loyalty/love/affection for Alicia. When Alicia is threatened we see Kalinda moved to something beyond her status quo enigmatic gaze.

Alicia, on the other hand, is a whole person! She’s a bad ass lawyer that they even know of outside of Chicago. She’s a genuine friend that gets concerned for Kalinda when she’s late for drinks. And she’s my favorite mom on television. While working on her super wonky murder case where two unrelated guys were being charged for the same murder but in different counties Alicia tries to research from home and instead finds an embarrassing search history.

Oh no. Precious babies are on the internets typin’ x in a very dramatic fashion!

We’ve all been there. I was there when I was sixteen and found that someone had looked up a whole mess of porn on AOL. It’s always pretty clear who did the deed so how do you even approach it? Sixteen year old me? Stupidly. Fortysomething super mom Alicia? She awkwardly tries to chat with her super savvy son who is rapidly becoming a twenty something disguised as a teen and he gets offended that she’d think he was so dumb.

Which is the best.

Nope. Him suggesting his little sister was looking up condoms is better because Alicia’s face.

She’s screaming on the inside.

And then she tries to talk to her daughter who was mortified and the awkwardness multiplies and it ends with them stepping back from sex talk and just relying on the euphemism “good girl.” Which is some patriarchal “treasure a girl’s virginity” and demonize a sexually active teen bullshit. I will let it pass because Alicia still handled things decently well for a WASP and there are bigger battles.

Like that of Kalinda’s plot. Seriously. Nick left so abruptly and nonsensically because the writers realized everyone hated the plot and missed badass Kalinda/Alicia fun times, but it still seems like they don’t get where Kalinda is at her best. While mystery might have lured people in and won Archie Panjabi some awards it’s her relationship with Alicia that makes her compelling. Because she loves her, but also because she’s the only person Kalinda ever really seems to relate to. They haven’t bothered to develop her character outside of this one core relationship which left us with a tedious plot that was frustrating and also, in retrospect, incredibly, incredibly misleading and offensive.

It began as a woman seemingly facing her abuser while older and wiser. Then morphed into some weird thing that confused abuse and kink and left everyone scratching their heads and its unceremonious end? Was she manipulating him? Falling for his “sexiness”? Dragged back into an abusive relationship because that can happen–but never getting to adequately explore it because she’s “mysterious.” I’m not sure even the writers and actors involved really know.

So good riddance Nick. We’ll file away your plot with that Landry is a murderer one from Friday Night Lights and the whole Connor/Jasmine/Creepy Cordelia debacle on Angel.

So seeing as we would all like to choose to forget you ever existed (especially Kalinda if you’re body floats to the surface anytime soon after she murdered you at her office which is bound to cause problems) let’s get back to Alicia and her son realizing who was looking up condoms on the computer.

It was Jackie.

Jackie wants to sex up her nurse and was quietly looking up condoms on her daughter-in-law’s computer during Thanksgiving. Probably after Alicia’s mom mocked her and said she orders prostitutes.

Alicia and her son may have agreed to never speak of it again but I will cling to the memory with delight for an eternity.

Notes

  • The case this week kept making me think of the Amanda Knox case where she and one guy were on trial at the same time as another unrelated guy. Nice to know Italy isn’t the only country with bizarre laws.
  • Cary got used so hard in the storyline that shall not be lined. I don’t often feel for rich white dudes because they be doin’ pretty good, but I’m feeling for Cary.
  • Dianne and Eli now know that Peter is definitely being investigated. Who else is? Will Kalinda’s shady involvement with Peter come out? Will we learn that Peter was up to some nefarious things? Or is this all just the other candidates setting poor Peter up?
  • That raid on Peter’s campaign office suggests the latter theory.
  • Julianna Margulies needs to be cast in a couple of comedies. Her timing was impeccable.
  • How long before Will and Amanda Peet hook up?
  • So Kalinda was Nick’s dame and involved with his organized crime syndicate and then realized she didn’t want to be apart of it so she fled from Canada, arrived in Chicago and then sought out the crooked State’s Attorney to help her fabricate a new life as an investigator instead of a mobster’s moll yeah? That’s what happened? Because that’s a killer story. WHY WAS IT ALL INFERRED INSTEAD OF ADDRESSED OUTRIGHT?
  • Next Week: No new episode! We’re on a hiatus until after the holidays. So celebrate by drinking a lot of Prosecco and possibly eating some spanish ham.