Chicago Fire Is So Addictive And Full Of Attractive Angsty Stupid Firepeople
By Alex Cranz
Television usually falls into three categories for me. The good stuff I watch and think about, the good/bad stuff I write about and the stuff that is awful and it’s awfulness is so distracting I’ll watch it just to rage about it.
Chicago Fire is none of those things. It’s not offensive to the writer in me, nor is it enticing. It’s innocuous Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla sans Hershey syrup (and if you’ve never had that ice cream MOVE TO WHERE YOU CAN EAT IT). This means I can sit on the couch and consume hours worth and get little more than a mild headache and that’s pretty dang okay.
Which probably isn’t enticing you to watch it. “It’s sooo vanilla,” isn’t going to be the blurb on the box.
So let’s give you the run down of your cast so you can be swayed by their individual beauty and worrying lives:
- Lady Gaga’s boyfriend and Tyler Lockwood’s (spoiler!) dead uncle is a fireman with a spinal injury that will leave him paralyzed if he continues to fight fires. But he’s addicted to being awesome so he’s become a drug addict to compensate, and sleeps with lots of ladies and is basically doomed. You have to watch if just to see how the hell he’s going to get out of this and stay on the show.
- Monica Raymund, who you WILL remember as an apprentice super lie detector on Lie To Me is a paramedic with a temper and a tendency to seek justice even if it gets her hauled in front of a review board. She punches assholes and saves babies and is loaded and also crushing on…
- Dr. Chase, who fled where ever House was set to become a conflicted fireman who also has a tendency to seek justice, but instead of review boards he squares off with dirty cops. He was engaged and then not engaged and then engaged and now I think they’re seeing other people because he wants babies and she doesn’t. He also flexes his muscles a lot and looks pretty and hates Tyler Lockwood’s dead uncle because he got their shared best friend killed in the first episode.
- Shay. I don’t know what she’s been in before. She’s gay but it’s not a big deal because she has bigger problems like she’s a terrible dresser and still holding a flame for her now “straight” and married and pregnant ex SHIRI APPLEBY. Also she and Monica Raymund are besties and partners and she rooms with Tyler Lockwood’s dead uncle and was supplying him with drugs until it looked like Monica Raymund might be affected at which point she stopped and instead crafted the show’s unofficial love triangle where she likes Raymund and she likes Chase and he likes flushing planted drugs down the toilet. It’s a problem y’all.
- Peter Mills. He’s the new guy and his dad is a dead fireman and his mom is a restaurateur and she hates firemen but loves him and he likes Monica Raymund but she’s busy crushing and stuff and it would be a problem but it isn’t. He’s too damned adorable for words. I want him as a body pillow.
- Steve Brady. He left Miranda to become a fireman married and with lots of kids. He’s Steve Brady and that’s more than enough. I’m drawn to his face. Insert reference to my vulva here. You’re welcome.
- Kareem Said of Oz! He’s the boss. He’s the best boss. Also he’s hunting this kid who sets fires. Mainly he just verbally slaps his staff because they are all SO WILLFULLY STUPID.
- The other guys. There’s, like, three of them. Maybe more. They’re all pretty great. One sits on the couch. One has a podcast. And one just murdered a guy by leaving him to die in a fire so he could get his brother out of the gang life.
So basically the show is a soap opera, but full of FIRES and paramedics and there are cases of the week but we don’t have to sit through some lady crying about how much her house means to her. They go in. It burns. There are some entertaining action sequences that aren’t TOO outrageous. Then they worry about their personal and professional lives–usually while in the shower or something.
And last night. Last night was the best. One, that dude murdered a guy. Two Monica Raymund tried to kiss Chase and he said “let’s be friends.” Three Shay and Tyler Lockwood’s dead uncle stopped being friends because he was endangering himself and Monica Raymund. Four. Shay and Monica Raymund became roommates and planned to drink. Five Sarah Shahi showed up and made me miss Life and then had shadowy sex with Tyler Lockwood’s dead uncle. Six. AAAAW SHAY AND DAWSON WERE SMASHED BY A TRUCK AND SHAY CONTINUED THE TREND OF BEING A BLOND LESBIAN IN A CAR ACCIDENT. LESBIANS FOR THE SAKE OF THE REST OF US DON’T BLEACH THOSE LOCKS. KEEP EM’ BROWN OR BLACK OR RED OR WHATEVER OR YOU WILL GET HIT BY A TRUCK. IT IS TELEVISION LAAAAAW. AND IF YOU NATURAL DYE BITCH!
Yeah, it’s intense…ly entertaining. It’s easy television and a great way to round out your Wednesday night. And, though this may call into question my taste, it’s the show I look forward to each week. Like the Homemade Vanilla in the freezer.