The Vampire Diaries: After School Special is Special

Hi! My name is Rebecca and you might remember me from this very website, where I have been quietly expounding upon my lust and fanfic-esque fantasies involving the brothers Salvatore. How are you? It’s been a while! Me? Oh I’m okay. I’m on the first day of my period which is not awesome, but I just took some drugs and have a coffee so fingers crossed, right?

My responsibilities on this site  typically include writing up some TV Shows or just generally discuss fatness. You might remember me most of all from my recaps of “The Vampire Diaries” or  of “American Horror Story”. The latter were so inspired they led one awestruck commenter to note “You are bad at what you do.” Ouch! Well, in the words of a parrot on the Flintstones (probably)  – It’s a living, ammiright? Lolololo!

I haven’t been here as much these days, because I have been writing a lot more lately and have being trying to figure out how best to balance to the writing I do for the web, make it a viable freelance career, and then quit my day job. I am half-way there.

Luckily, the return of the greatest television show of all time coincides with a more predictable schedule for me. I’ll be here until the end of the season, recapping these Glam Vamps (#glamvampsomg) and as of next week, getting back into my project on body image, the Skinny Little Bitch Project. Once the season’s over, I’ll pick up another show to recap, and be sure to share its magic with your hookers as we hate out the long, cruel, summer months. What I won’t be able to do, and this should be obvious given my recent activity (or lack thereof), is contribute in a daily capacity – but that doesn’t mean I love you any less.

Finally, before we get back to the not-nitty not-gritty world of Mystic Falls, nexus of the universe, I’d like to thank you guys for continuing to read these recaps, and everything else I’ve been trying out lately. I really appreciate it, and I love keeping up with you all on Twitter, so hi, find me there, if you haven’t already.

On With The Recap:

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Tyler’s Mom was dead to begin with, quoth Dickens, and in her place did Sheriff Forbes appoint a mayor – but not any mayor – a black mayor. This citizens of Mystic Falls were uneasy at this news, for it was common knowledge that no black character lived on this show, other than local witch and abused wretch Bonnie Bennett. Ah, but it appears that this new mayor, black though he may be, is in fact Bonnie’s father. Perhaps all will be well for him! But probably not. #RIPGrams #Bonnieshappiness

We meet the acting Mayor at a candle-lit vigil in the Mystic Falls High School auditorium. I appreciate that the town has finally recognized that the only citizens therein who matter at all, are its teens – immortal and otherwise. The ceremony is led by a tearful Sheriff Forbes who has clearly been having an affair with Tyler’s mom. As the students sat in the bleachers and quietly lit candles to honor the mayor, Caroline leaned over to Elena and furrowing her brow whispered, “Is that my mom? Where has she been? Does she own other clothes?” Elena shrugged and quietly covered all of Caroline’s face with one of her giant, man-sized hands.

“Screw this,” said Tyler, and fled the auditorium. And fair enough. The town of Mystic Falls is playing the see-no-evil game again, and instead of attributing Mayor Tyler’s mom’s death rightfully to Klaus, their evil, ruby-lipped overlord, the town’s consensus is that she got drunk and died in a fountain – which is so ignoble! They couldn’t say she had a heart attack? Was assumed into heaven? Anything other than that? Poor Priscilla Presley.

But no time to dwell on Tyler and the harrowing grief gnawing at e’en his orphan-bones  – we’ve got a character or two to redeem – and the writers waste no time. Rebekah’s back, saved from non-death by gormless, perpetually compelled, moon-faced April Young. She is the Bland, Egg, Ann, of our programme. Together they form the “Breakfast Club” half of this episode. I have mixed feelings about it, to be honest. I have long been on record as saying that Rebekah needs to grow a pair and strike back after years of being trod upon by everyone, so I appreciated the concept of her telling April everything and making her a sidekick and then kidnapping Elena, Stefan, and Caroline and making them….sit in the library and speak painful truths? That’s when it ran out of steam for me. She had them all in her thrall and she wasted it, just making Elena tell Stefan that she didn’t love him, that she loved Damon and then everyone just sat there feeling brokenhearted – or if you’re Caroline, deeply uncomfortable. The writers tried to back it up by having Caroline ask Stefan “Does it hurt?” Upon hearing Elena tell him the truth. When he admits it does she hisses, “That’s how I’ve felt for 900 years.” And my dick went limp, because this is a lame form of revenge. Somewhere Emily Thorn is nodding in agreement.

Meanwhile, on fat-neck island, Damon continues to oversee the training of young Jeremy Gilbert, vampire hunter. It’s like the Karate Kid if the Karate Kid had been a gay porno that I watched everyday. Then, when the pert pizza delivery girl shows up, it’s like straight porn fell on my gay porn – peanut butter, chocolate – either way it’s delicious! Then Damon gets cranky that Jeremy isn’t perfect yet, and banishes the pizza girl. You can forgive Damon though, he’s still reeling from having sent Elena away for fear her feelings for him were born of the sire bond alone. When he’s not helping Jeremy begrudgingly, he’s on the fence about Klaus’s plan to make Jeremy’s hunter’s mark grow more rapidly: Turn humans into vampires for him to kill with ease.It’s like tilting a pinball machine a bit, isn’t it?

Meanwhile back in the school, April Young is nearly killed by Bonnie. Sadly, it was not intentional. Bonnie, being an idiot who is susceptible to people being nice to her because her friends are unfeeling monsters, has decided to trust a doe-eyed professor of Hokum. This jerk-wad has Bonnie practicing “expression” which, whatever he might say, is straight evil – all drawing power from human bone amulets and blood sacrifices. Bonnie recognizes the extent of its evilness when, as she tries to protect this dude from Rebekah and her risen brother Cole, she inadvertently binds Professor Evil to April – with hilarious near-death consequences. Seriously, at this point, an episode is not over, unless poor April Young is clutching her stomach and almost dying. #LOLOLObloodytummy.

April, pissed as hell about all the lying that’s been happening, and all of the times her abdomen has been near-fatally punctured, is all telling the Sheriff about the supernatural shit happening – and it’s always cute when a character thinks they are the only ones in town who know anything. Side note: Angry April reminds me of Dan Rather. Carry on.

Rebekah, having grown weary of tearful recrimination, mans up and compels Tyler to turn, thus leaving the whole gang running around the school in a stroppy panic from wolf-Tyler. It’s just like the Breakfast club, but with less Ally Sheedy. Caroline goes looking for Tyler and finds him naked and weeping in the memorial left to his mom in the gym. It’s awkward, but I’m glad he’s letting himself have feelings, even if none of his friends know how to deal with them.

With Elena free from the gym finally, she settles onto her porch swing, swaths herself in a plaid blanket, pops a Werther’s original in her mouth, and picks up her phone. She calls Damon and tells him that in spite of her sire bond, she loves him. He then – in the best acting Ian Somerhalder has ever done – told her to get in her car and COME TO HIM. I was all “Thaaaat is masturbatable.” He then goes on to tell her that he is going to have to do a lot of things she won’t approve of – but he is going to get the cure for her!

And then, true to his word, he takes Jeremy to a bar where Klaus has prepared many baby vampires for him to kill – because Ian Somerhalder wants him some Dobrev, son!

Damon tossing his hat into the cure finding ring makes this officially a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World type race, with the teams being Damon, Stefan and Rebekah, Klaus, and the Professor and Jeremy. It’s a race I’m keen to see take off, so let the wild rumpus begin.