Grey’s Anatomy Manages To Turn 15 Million Dollars Into A Little Thing When Doctors Win Big

If 99% of your life experiences have come from television and film then it may be shocking to learn that a lot of the big changes in one’s life are gradual and quiet and only enormous in retrospect. Every realization doesn’t have to come with a thunderclap. It’s the truth of life, but when presented on television is can come across as…muted. Which is why Thursday’s Grey’s felt big and important and yet utterly mundane.

Major things were afoot. Stephanie (formerly Grumpy) and Jackson’s relationship got out to people. Arizona stood for five hours. Cristina and Owen enjoyed their relationship without cereal in the face or infidelity. Even Derek put up with being called a bitch and lost after eight hours of vigorous ping-pong competition. Those are all, in and of themselves, major things, but they weren’t played up for drama. They were more connective tissue. The middle bits in a game of chess. We all survived the open gambit and we’re preparing for the next big move. I say “we” because holy hell has this season been intense for fans. Deaths, grief, break ups, shower fights, puddles of pee and babies! No one has been left unscathed.

Even Bailey! At first glance it looks like she’s made it through okay. She married her guy after a touch and go two parter and she’s back to being ornery and yelling at the poor lady who got blowed up in Speed. But it’s all a ruse guys. I’m not saying her suffering is the greatest, but I’m willing to say that sand in one’s lady parts and flea bites on one’s ass is pretty high up there in the suffering department. I mean. Sand. In the vagina. That is the opposite of what should be there.

The only thing worse than vagina sand is shoulder touching apparently.

While Bailey deals with her sandy vajayjay (remember when she made that word?) April had to deal with her empty one. Because Jackson has moved onto Grumpier pastures and left a heartbroken and regretful little Apes and all I want to say is girl you can do better. You too Stephanie! I know you two are stunning and you’re moved by his fabulous eyes and body like that Nightwing statue in my figurine case but he’s also an asshat. Not because of his poor attempt at comforting the Chief or his actually really great moment with April where he gives her a heads up on his penile business but because dude was totally like “I am the best” to Derek and Arizona.

I think he was actually supposed to be struggling with stepping out of Mark’s shadow? But instead he just came off as pompous. He came off as pompous while talking surgery talk with Derek Shepherd. Also he was a dick to Robbins and she’s my fave and I really wanted to see her shoot him out a window when he was doing that dude thing where they get all condescending and smile like a bro because fuck you condescending brosmile you are the worst and cause me to curse and rant during a recap.

Jackson why is your beautiful perfection the worst when you brosmile bro?

Elsewhere in the hospital the most recent victim of Shonda Rhimes’ word processor, the Webber formerly known as Chief, mourned his wife by staring at his array of surgical oddities and being filled with regret because he was never there for his wife. Debbie Allen swooped in, first via cookies and then via herself to make him feel better but it only made his guilt more acute so she fled in tears to probably coo over her son and inflate his stupid ego more. Then Meredith swooped in and was like, “Chief you may not know it but I’m the show’s MVP this season and am quietly awesome and fixing everyone’s shit. Like I’ll probably be the one to make Jolex a thing and you know my dulcet tones will inspire Callie and Arizona to have sex again, I’m just that good.”

And the Chief nodded sagely, “Damn Meredith, was that plane crash like a four-day leadership and mentorship class for you? When did you get so awesome? And how have you managed to get me out of my sad space with nothing more than two conversations and a bezore?”

She don’t know. Busy being awesome.

Seriously, Meredith is some sort of super woman this season. Gone is the very, very depressed chick with no self-esteem and a penchant for romantic moments in elevators. In her place is a secure and confident woman who genuinely cares about others and puts her husband before her best friend. And Cristina seems okay with it! I honestly thought Meredith not telling Cristina about the pregnancy was the beginning of a rift but instead it was them not communicating but communicating and I won’t get too mad because it forced Cristina into Derek’s sphere for adorable post-court time AND it led to that whole Callie orchestrated dinner that had me vomiting rainbows.

I don’t even eat Skittles guys. But it happened. Callie wept and noted the theme of the episode (massive change in tiny increments and satisfaction with simply being alive) and I got a little misty (even when she was all nostalgic about Mark’s love of sex–IS THAT REALLY WHAT HE WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR?!) and then Meredith got misty and was like “KNOCKED UP” and rainbows spewed out of my mouth because it was all so damn happy and cloying and I don’t even understand how the human race can relate to this fab five with their millions and their wombs and sexting and attempts at sex off-screen.

The mark of a naturally developed character and plot in television is when you can skip back a handful of episodes and find the character the same but profoundly different. You can see how they have come so far but still be a little blown away by it. So when you get a chance check out that season premiere on Hulu or ABC and then think back to those five folks sitting around that table and smiling. THAT’S good storytelling.

Oh God this joy spells disaster. DISASTER.

Notes

• But what of the lawsuit Alex? Well Bob, they won, fifteen million each and have now, according to the last two minutes of the episode, bankrupted the hospital. Slow clap it out guys.
• Arizona really has come a ways. She’s gone from morose and bed ridden to snapping ping-pong balls out of the air like God and getting around sans cane and asserting her dominance with stupid Jackson by forcing him to sit there quietly while she chats with her wife. Good on you Glen Coco.
• Seriously, why was Jackson coming off so smarmy this episode?
• For Cristina it is all about the cookie. I know babe. I know.
• Stephanie, because she is getting some, has done away with her glasses. Leah noticed and then called her out for being kind of a hypocrite. You should solve this by both of you putting aside your swooning over attendings and finding your love for labia…with each other.
• Alex and Jo are now friends like siblings. This would make their inevitable coupling gross but according to HBO in 2012 incest was really hot and in. So get nasty you two.
• I would love to still be cross about how manufactured their story feels some times but now that these two are playing off each other as friends instead of enemies their chemistry has become a real joy to watch. Did you see how kid-like Alex was when he ran to his new couch? And how fab Jo’s hair was the whole episode?
• Alex has never had friends who are girls before. Except Mer. Somewhere Cristina and Arizona weep because they didn’t make the cut.
• Bokey, April and Bailey talking vajazzling.

The woman has been on the show nine years, has never spoken, stayed when a gunman was about to shoot Cristina, and vajazzles. Why is she not the main character?

• Derek and Shane guys. Derek and Shane. When did these interns get so fun?
• Like Heather! SHE IS MY FAVORITE. SHE ATE DIRT AND CRIES DURING SEX AND IS CURIOUS ABOUT HOW OWEN FEELS UP HIS INTERNS.
• Next Week: Meredith has to come to terms with her status as incubator and it leads to tears. And Arizona has to suffer phantom pains while Constance Zimmer watches. It’s like someone realized Jessica Capshaw gives good “pained moans” after the plane crash episode and now she’s going to be doing it for the rest of her life.