The ancient original vampire Rebekah is in many respects, the heart of the Vampire Diaries.

I do not mean that she is the show’s emotional center. No, no. That role, like it or lump it, belongs to Elena Gilbert the delicate balance she traverses from one episode to the next between the brothers Salvatore.

When I say heart, I mean she is it’s vital, exposed, gooey center through which all of the action must circulate or the entire organism runs the risk of certain death.

That was plain this week, and I slapped myself on the forehead for being so blind to it before. It is very easy to write off Rebekah’s tendency to fall madly in love – and ever thus into her doom – as a fatal flaw. In fact, it is the thing that makes her strongest. In this week’s episode, Klaus asks Damon “What are those magic words you say to make her forget all of the things you’ve done?” He is talking about wooing Caroline, but the sentiment, the notion that everything Damon does is for a reason and thus forgivable applies to Rebekah as well. Everything she does, everything that happens to her, is for love – which makes her critically important and perpetually forgivable to the gang of protagonists who value almost nothing else so highly.

This week the hunt for the Cure moved forward, and the show’s tentative forays into the meta-humor were smartly written, but not too deftly handled by the stony-faced cast. Example, when Stefan takes Rebekah out to Decade Dance # 87654, and wryly mentions playing a song by the Cure. Sigh. I should have been up cheering! It was a self-referential joke about how much they have been saying the phrase “the cure”. Instead, I was concerned that Paul Wesley had crapped his pants in discomfort.

But more on that dance later! We’ve got a quasi-empowered Elena to contend with. Girlfriend’s scheme to kill Kol, instantly wiping out his line and completing Jeremy’s tattoo is well under way – with some added side-schemes to temporarily down both Rebekah and Klaus, you know, for fun times and to flesh out the minute count of the episode. The episode relied on the basics of French Farce, with characters slamming in and out of each others homes to such a degree that I may have started flapping a fan around and going “delightful!” in my best hedonism bot voice.

In order to kill Kol and dagger the others, the gang divides and conquers. Matt grumblingly leaves the Gilbert manse and its abundance of video games to go find a dagger in Rebekah’s possession, and Jeremy, after inviting Kol inside to talk truce, takes off giggling into the night, at his sister’s instruction. Kol and Elena have a lot of chemistry. Their eye sexery burns more than all of the vervain in the town’s water supply. Lololol – because Bonnie’s suddenly VERY PRESENT father the mayor has tainted all of the water with vervain, in addition to cancelling the decade dance (Caroline was not in this episode because she was off crying about the dance being off) and enforcing a curfew – all to keep his little Bonnie-turned-Carrie in check and the citizens of fair Mystic safe.

While Bonnie is being held by her father and being forced to have a family meeting, and Elena is not-fooling-Kol with talk of a truce, Stefan is making Rebekah’s dreams come true. Two episodes after proclaiming that she refuses to care, and one episode after sleeping with Rebekah, it’s clear this original wears her emotions on her sleeve. It’s something Stefan, Klaus, Elena, and EVERYONE MAYBE EVEN MY MOM, have used to their advantage. Stefan tries to do it this time as well, but after taking her to the dance and cringingly talking about the 80s (where apparently nothing but movies happened historically worth noting) Stefan begins to realize that the driving force in Rebekah – the force so strong that she winds up giving him the dagger willingly – is one of love. She wants to be human, she wants a husband and babies. This is basically talking dirty where the poofier haired Salvatore is concerned. So, confident she is on the side of good, he doesn’t dagger her.

Bonnie has had one hell of a night. Her powers are hilariously out of control, and her whole bug-eyed rage style of acting under the influence of magic she can’t control was magic – pun totally not intended. When her father can’t seem to keep her in the house, her recruits her former-witch now-vampire mother to drug her into staying home. Jeremy tries to make her come help subdue Kol but gets distracted and stabby by the sight of Bonnie’s mom. Lols were had by all. Bonnie, furious with her fam for drugging her, uses her fierce magic to incapacitate her mother, and scampers over to the Gilbert homestead, where she traps a FURIOUS KLAUS in the kitchen to mourn his brother – who Elena and Kol have totally killed you guys. Side note – the only thing hotter than Klaus, is Klaus when he cries. Is that weird to say? It is. I don’t even care. Too busy fapping to Klaus tears.

Elena, Jeremy, Bonnie and I think Matt? Was Matt there? Hilarious, he is like a wall – anyway they all go to the Salvatore mansion where there is always a fire burning. This should be addressed at some point. Does the Salvatore palace lack central heating? With Kol dead, a kind of weak and wasted Damon re-emerges and though he had to put up with some vitriol from Klaus that made him feel insecure about his thang with Elena, he got to hug her and I loved it. Weak Damon is like Thin White Duke era David Bowie. It’s magic.

Stefan arrives with Silas’s headstone and a confession – he didn’t dagger Rebekah. Elena learns – thanks to Damon – that Stefan is filling Rebekah with vamp dong and she seemed more grossed out than anything else. Stefan made some sneering remark about Damon telling Elena to calm down since he’s “really got that sire bond thing going for him.” And thank all of my stars but Damon punched his stupid face. I love how the sire bond deeply freaks out Damon but not Elena, because she knows her feelings have been there all along. Additionally, I would like to point out that Elena never listening to him and doing what he says was never something Damon took issue with – even in the pre-bond days: that was Stefan’s beef! Because Stefan is a controlling tool (Yeah, yeah, I’m a DE, Delena-ite, or whatever, but come on!)

All of this high school drama is paused when, in one of the greatest scenes of our time, Jeremy begins screaming and ripping off his shirt. Cue Damon “here we go!” He may have been talking about the path to the cure being revealed – I like to think that instead he was just referencing the orgy about to unfold.


  • vamp333

    I’m just super upset that Kol had to die this season… I’ve enjoyed his few performances on the series and his banter has always been amusing.. Despite his most recent threat to the Gilberts Kol was an awesome Original, funny, devious, and super sexy… RIP Kol ;)

    • Molly

      I’m just waiting for my favorite original to come back. Preferably naked. Mmmm Elijah. <3

      • Agreed. I’d merrily eat sushi off his prone form.

        • Molly

          That’s how I feel about all of the characters on the show. They are too fine and I would love to be in a room with all of them naked.

  • Molly

    Your reviews are awesome, so many parts made me laugh because I agree with you 100% – you just say it much better than I would. VAMP DONG. YES.