The Vampire Diaries Doesn’t Need Your Xbox When Corpses Rot

You guys, I missed a recap!

Last Thursday the 14th, went a little something like this:

‘Becca is curled up in a corner crying, her brother looks at her like she has lost her goddamn mind. “What’s the matter with you?” Becca manages to form words through her heaving sobs, “JEREMY IS DEAD.” Her brother pales, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, who’s Jeremy?” Becca bawls harder, “A CHARACTER ON THE VAMPIRE DIARIES!” Her brother narrows his eyes at her. “And you’re losing your mind with sadness. Over a fictional character’s fictional death.” Becca shook her head. “NOT SAD. HAPPY. BEEN WAITING FOR THIS LITERALLY SINCE SEASON ONE.”

And so was my Valentine’s day. Crying in a hotel room as I ate a burger, joy-weeping over the death of Jeremy Gilbert, as my baby brother looked on in disgust because that’s straight up how I roll.

That’s really all you need to know about the episode I skipped, well that a couple of other things:

1.) Aforementioned Jeremy death.

2.) Bonnie got gut stabbed.

3.) Katherine is back!

4.) Silas has awakened, thanks in part to ALL OF JEREMY GILBERT’S BLOOD! YAY!

Which brings us to this week! Or, as I like to call it, the week Elena Gilbert lost her goddamn mind and I loved every second of it! Seriously. I watched the whole thing go down from my usual position – on my home sofa, nibbling peanut butter off a spoon and speaking only to bellow “I AM LOVING EVERY SECOND OF THIS” periodically to no one, and frightening the cats.

First let us start with the spooky Canadian island. It was become clear that Jeremy Gilbert, he dead. Not fake-because-of-his-ring dead – legit dead. Ya see, to answer a much-discussed question in between the two episodes, because Jeremy had become one of the 5, and thus, supernatural, the ring no longer protected him. Too bad, so sad. The brothers Salvatore recognize this immediately and are all “sad, worried” eyed at each other about it – because Elena’s all. “Naw man, he cool – Stefan, please carry his body to my house – BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY FINE.” Stefan is all “Okay crazy, let’s do this.” While Damon, at Elena’s behest, begins searching the island for stabbed Bonnie so that they can push her further into the abyss of evil by seeing if she can bring back the dead. As one does.

Rebekah is more concerned with the cure and with Silas. She spends the duration of the episode fighting with that Scottish Vampire Hunter and looking for Silas, Katherine, and the vile of mortality. If they had cut back to her alone in the woods one more time than they did, it would have been like French Farce.

Bonnie’s also still on the island until Damon brings her back. Her gut has been healed, and she has been officially driven to insane evilness with an assist from Shane, who is all “Yeah. Jeremy’s dead. Like your Gram. And my wife and baby. BUT PLEASE DON’T ANGER GRIEF KILL ME WITH MAGIC. We can bring them back from the parallel supernatural purgatory created by your ancestress if you just agree to kill TWELVE LIVING HUMANS.” Bonnie is all “Okay, that sounds good.”

Only peripherally less nuts as balls, is Elena, who is sitting by Jeremy’s dead body while Caroline and Stefan stare at each other with arched eyebrows over her clear denial. Elena is all “I’m not in denial.” While Jeremy’s body begins to decompose. Seriously. That was a plot point. Everyone could smell the body. Dr. Most Foul came over and tried to explain how nasty it was to keep a corpse around but Elena was all “La la can’t hear yooooou!”

Then Matt walked into the room and was all “Oh hey guys -” and then saw that his best friend was dead. Because nobody tells Matt anything. I was all “Maaaaan, this awwwwwkward.” But not as awkward as when Matt later sits in his pickup truck and sobs in that way your dad sobs where it scares you and makes you want to find another adult to fix things.

Elena’s insanity is only tempered when Bonnie is all “This is simple – we kill all humans, bring back all the supernatural dead – I don’t see why you guys aren’t on board here.” The Salvatores stand outside making crazy gestures to indicate Bonnie has lost her mind. Matt is being polite about her murderous impulses, Caroline – thankfully – has no time for it, and the murder of innocence combined with the resurrection of all the supernatural beings they’ve killed is the thing that makes Elena realize Jeremy is dead forever.

How do we know she’s accepted his death as a reality? Because – HILARIOUSLY – April Young calls and is all “Hey, Jeremy’s not answering his phone-” and Elena goes “BECAUSE HE IS DEAD.”

Then Elena goes insane, pours lighter fluid everywhere and bellows “I DON’T NEED THIS XBOX” and tries to burn down her house. That is all 100% factual and not my comedic stylings.

Stefan beseeches Damon to use the sire bond to cure Elena who “feels things more deeply than other people” which made me snort because of how emotionally out of touch all of the characters – especially Elena – are. And Damon agrees – but not in the way Stefan thought he would – he asks Elena TO TURN OFF HER HUMANITY – which is why next week, Elena is walking around all dead-eyed, lying down in the street and strutting around naked saying shit like “What? It’s not like you haven’t seen it before,” to Damon and Stefan. Confession: Elena without her humanity seems like she will be what I have always pictured ACTUAL Nina Dobrev to be like, only in my mind she has a think Ukrainian accent. And a cigarette holder.

The death of Jeremy has served up EVEN MORE awesome, too – in that it made Damon touch Stefan and then they had their own “I love you” and “I know moment.” BECAUSE ULTIMATELY THIS WHOLE SHOW IS A LOVE STORY BETWEEN BROS. STAMON SLASH DEFAN FOREVER!

BUT WE AREN’T QUITE THROUGH.

Remember when I said Rebekah was still on the island? Well who does she find there? SHANE. DYING. Which means the Shane that’s been sweet-talking Bonnie isn’t Shane at all – but Silas. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!

UNTIL NEXT TIME!