Exactly two people have been cast in Michael Bay’s update of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

LOOK AT THEM. Sweet lord this cast makes Baywatch look hideous. Can they act? Do we care? (Yes Fox can, but she also seems to hate all people so her as April is HILARIOUS).

If you were worried, now that’s not Casey Jones. That is Raphael. As in the surliest turtle and the one most likely to bang April in the original movie (remember that?!). They’ve cast an Adonis to play Raphael.

I know it’s easy to hate Michael Bay. His films are sexist, racist, and in the case of the Transformers franchise, absolutely atrocious filmmaking.

But daaaang guys, he makes a pretty movie. Full of pretty people. And he’s taken Megan Fox back after firing her for calling him a Nazi. Which lends disturbing credence to the rumor that others (Spielberg) insisted she be fired from Transformers.

While I am in no way excited for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie because that’s a franchise best left unmolested in my memories and NEVER revisited I can say I’m curious as hell to see what Bay churns out, and while it will likely offend every sensibility I possess it will also likely be very entertaining with a couple of pints of beer.

  • I’ve got a serious and honest question for you: when was Fox good in anything? I really want to know because she was mediocre at best in everything I’ve seen her. I hope she possesses some sort of acting talent which eluded me all this time because April is kind of an iconic role when it comes to geeky things.

    Generally it is good to see some pretty men. If there are women as eyecandy there should be men serving the same role. I want it to be good. Fingers crossed.

    • A valid question! I thought she was solid to good in Jennifer’s Body, but I’m a massive apologist/defender for that film. Though I think she’s terribly miscast for a good TMNT adaptation. For a Michael Bay adaptation? She’s par for course.

      • If you liked Jennifer’s Body all power to you but I thought it was pants on head stupid and creepy in a sexist kind of way.

        Fox is pretty standard and unsurprising for a Bay movie. She is pretty in the same conventional sense in that a cheeseburger is tasty. Nothing special but it will get the job done. Eh I don’t know. Portman or Kunis could have worked in my mind as April though there is little point in discussing it. This ship has sailed a long time ago.

  • Linden Pontifex

    Oh! It’s the “I like girls and I like boys but I don’t like girls who like boys ’cause boys are gross” girl. Is that her Mme. Tussauds statue in wax? That above statement I found in a post-“Jennifer’s Body” (which I greatly enjoyed) googling of “Megan Fox is an idiot”. She gave at least one bisexual woman’s blog good rant fodder.

    He’s ripply. Not sure about the Cupid’s bow, though that could be because I’ve seen too many K-dramas with idol stars lately. That bod should look good under green latex without getting shapeless, though. Or are they gonna just mo-cap him? Be sort of a shame…

    I’m still surprised that what started out as a Daredevil/Elektra spoof (that I sorta liked at the time) became such an international hit. So much so that within 8 years one creator was able to buy Heavy Metal and prove what we all know: that some really become comic artists just to live like a rock star and marry a Penthouse Pet.

    Ah, well. I look forward to this newest and longest and noisiest of toy ads.
    I don’t think Bay has ever made a movie in which people actually care about each other throughout. Don’t the Turtles, April and even Shredder sort of form an ensemble?